Absence Makes the Heart Heal

There have been a couple of things keeping me away.

Well, okay. Three.

1. Tom (previously known as The Boy) left me with quite a bit to clean up, figuratively and literally. He messed with my head by just ducking out with no warning, but he also left over half of his shit here. I'm trying to get it all cleaned up, but it's slow going. He made contact with me on Facebook, we exchanged a few messages, then he said he wanted to be my friend but unfriended me. Go figure. I really didn't want to be his friend, anyway. I'm still bitter.



2. My oldest and smallest dog, Sugar, a Toy Fox Terrier who was about 16, began declining. She's been fighting a battle with Canine Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome and although she was on meds that were helping, it was like they just quit overnight and her health plummeted. She was in the later stages of renal failure as well, and her heart murmur had continued to worsen. I canceled some plans to go out of town and instead made an appointment with the vet. The day I'd picked to be "The Day," I came home from work and she was almost totally unresponsive. It had been 5 days since she'd eaten, she couldn't stand up, and she had no bowel control. I knew it was time, but it killed me. I sat outside with her in the sun for a couple of hours until RacerBoy (have i discussed him yet?) came over and drove us to the vet's office.
   
   
   
    Sugar Booger Wooger Bear, usually known as Boogs
   After her appointment and seemingly endless tears from me, he took me out for a mojito and dinner. And spent the night with me and comforted me and helped me through one of the most difficult days of my life. I have already gotten Sugar's ashes back and put them in a beautiful urn. I still cry. Sunday was really bad, for some reason. Anyway, it's hard trying to live my life without one of my children. She was put to sleep almost 10 years to the day that I adopted her. March 28, 2000 to March 25, 2010. I keep expecting to see her meet me at the door. When she doesn't, and I walk in my room, I still expect to see her curled up on the bed or doggie bed. *sighs* It's hard.



3. And, RacerBoy. I've known him a very long time, but have only seen him sporadically through the years. After one of our car club meetings, we started talking, and it just progressed from there. He kinda started it, because he told me how pretty I am. It just went on. We've been seeing each other for almost 2 months now, and I'm falling hard. He is SUCH a good guy. He does things for me all the time that he doesn't have to do, and he makes me want to do things for him as well. He appreciates it when I do, so it just encourages me even more. He's a great cook. He owns his own home and his own business. He has several cars that are all modified for horsepower and speed. He drives a race car (a Z), and we just have so much in common. We went racing this weekend and not only did I get to ride in his car, but he got the owner of the track to let me race his Audi A4 on the track!
   
   
   
   (That's not me up there - I was driving, not taking pics of myself - but that's the same car)
   
   He owns a landscape company, and he just showed up here unannounced for, like, the 4th time in several weeks to get his crew to mow my lawn. There is absolutely no reason in the world why I shouldn't fall for him. Except that I'm scared.

So, I guess that's the deal. I've been busier than ever. Now that Tom's gone, I find myself free to do whatever I want, rather than sit around with him or waiting for him because he never wanted to do anything. I have started drinking again and, besides a few nights I'd rather not recall and one I just can't, I've moderated myself pretty damned well. One or two beers a night and I call it good.

My doctor has put me on several different meds, all of which really do help. I have a hard time seeing sometimes exactly how much progress I really have made until I sit down and take stock of things. But I suppose, all in all, things are much, much better than they were a few weeks ago. You know?
.