Resume Omission - The Results

A couple of entries ago, I talked about potential employers and how I really felt like they may be discriminating against me due to my age. The most disappointing part of it is that I'm not, like, old old. I'm older than kids right out of college which, unfortunately, is what my industry looks for when it comes to the more entry-level type of positions. Most of them require some pretty strenuous work, usually outside in whatever kind of weather, but I'm used to that. I've done it my whole life. So they see my (most recent) graduation date, continue looking through things, and then see that I have a previous degree from years ago. Obviously I didn't get my first college degree when I was 11, so they figure out I'm not a fresh, green little bebe. 

My only tell that I can't get around are my college transcripts. They all want them, and I used a lot of credits from the previous school to get my current degree. But they'd have to scroll pretty far back to see those.

The only other thing would be one reference I use, but I always do because she loves me and gives me glowing reports. She's an old supervisor from when I was working in a different industry related to my first degree.

So. I decided to do a little experiment, and started leaving off my previous career's info on my resume. Acted as if that previous career never existed. Completely avoided the topic altogether and figured out how to show mastery of those skills through other avenues.

And you know what happened? I've had 2 interviews in 2 weeks.

The first was specifically for a job I've never done and don't know that much about, but they really emphasized that I'd be getting a lot of training for everything. It's in a very small town a day's drive away from my friends and family, but would be an hour away from a couple of really close friends. One of the interviewers was pretty cool, but one was an old-school guy and he didn't seem thrilled with my interview answers. 

When we toured the facilities (which included a lot of driving), we just small-talked and the older guy seemed perfectly fine then, and we were having a pretty decent time. Unfortunately, I just don't feel as if the interview went the way I wanted it to. The thing is, I wished SO HARD for this job to come through, and now I'm not sure I want to go if they offer it to me. Plus, I can't find anywhere to live there. There's literally 2 places for rent within a 45 minute drive. So that could be an issue.

The second interview went fantastically. I absolutely nailed it. But, it's in my gigantic city of a hometown and I would hate more than anything to have to move back there. Granted, I would be near my aging parents and my friends, and that would make me happy, but dealing with the congestion and traffic and general asshole-ish population...I don't know if I can do it. (Oh, and they just had an election for mayor and the deplorable incumbent got 49% of the vote, so now there's a runoff. I'm going to be disgusted with the residents of the city if they vote for him, but that's another story.)

The job is something I can really excel at and it's something that definitely has growth potential. I liked these people too because a) they didn't start off with 'tell us about yourself,' and b) I didn't get the 'where do you see yourself in 5 years?' question.

Did either of these interviewers seem surprised when I showed up and wasn't a kid? The older guy from the first one, definitely. The others? Maybe it didn't matter, or maybe they hid it well. 

My only point here is that while it's a bit deceptive, hiding all the history that might give away my age has worked. I'm getting responses AND interviews. I don't even know if I would say it's lying by omission; it's deleting extra information that's unrelated to my current job search. No one has asked yet, but that's what I'd tell them if they wanted to know why I left all of that other stuff off the resume.

Now let's see if anything pans out.

My decision-making skills are...
.

Dealing With Disappointment

My last post was all about the struggle of trying to get hired. This post...is about NOT getting hired.

Right now, I have 2 - let's make that 1 - "dream" job with an open application. The one I just lost out on was a perfect fit, or so I thought. It's really hard to deal with employment rejection, especially when you know you're perfectly qualified for the position. That's exactly what happened in this case, and I took it really hard.

It was an entry-level position, so I wasn't looking for anything too specialized. It was in a location that not many people would find hospitable or fun, but I spent a lot of summers there and it's been my dream to live there. I was going to be doing fieldwork that is a passion, and I honestly believed I had a chance. That's probably why it stings so much.

The agency accepts all of its applications through an online system - it's a little buggy - so I even followed up to make sure they received them. Which they didn't. One document was missing, so the office manager asked me to email it to her directly, even acknowledging that the system has its downfalls.

With it being a branch of a government entity, the wheels move slowly. I wasn't surprised to see, 30 days later, that my application was still "under review." But I emailed the nice lady and asked her if they needed any additional information from me or whatever. She said no, but that her boss had been busy with other things and they'd be looking to interview soon. I expressed my anticipation, mentioning that my lease was almost up and I had begun packing to move on to my next adventure anyway, that I was ready to be there as soon as they needed me if they chose me.

I was excited. I started preparing for the call and even making plans to travel the 9+ hours to the location if I had to. I told everyone how excited I was at the probability of getting an interview and trying to work out logistics for moving an entire freaking house, a storage unit, 3 dogs, and 3 cars.

And then I got the standard rejection form-letter email.

(Note: I am REALLY happy I GOT an email, considering that doesn't usually happen, I just wish it had been a notice of advancement through the system)

(Let me also add in that, in their system, an applicant can see all the jobs for which they've applied - they never drop off - AND, so can all the potential employers. So they get to see how many of them I've applied for, what they were, and the mounting number of 'not hired's on my list)

I cried. I got angry. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I just drank a bottle of wine instead. The guy from a few posts ago - oh, we'll get into that one next time - tried to make me feel better but it just wasn't helping and I was crying too much for it to be a good thing for either of us, so I didn't talk to him long.

Knowing that I qualified for the job above what their requirements were, well, it shook me. My self-confidence dropped even lower than it already was, I am second-guessing everything I do, write, or say in regards to employment stuff and - why lie about it? - I feel like the biggest failure and a total waste of space.

I was so upset, it had me tossing around some pretty ridiculous ideas.

While the title may have suggested that I was going to offer some advice in this post, I am not. I have none. I am still just as upset now as I was 5 minutes after I read the email (for the 3rd time) and really understood what it was saying. 

I'm lost and drifting, and the only thing I have going for me is clinging onto a minute chunk of hope that this other job - in the same basic location but with a totally different organization - may pan out. 

Because I can't seem to make anything come together, I am...
 .

Hypocritical Employers: Why Are Candidates Treated Like This?

I've been looking for the "perfect" job since I graduated. That's been almost 2 years now. In that time, I've become bitter, angry, knocked down to rock bottom, and have essentially lost all self-esteem, which has caused me - basically - an existential crisis, wondering exactly what in the hell is wrong with me, when I know damned well I'm a good employee with a solid resume and references.

95% of the organizations I apply to - due to my career choice - has a total staff of fewer than 50 people. There aren't just a ton of people who qualify for these positions. I know many professionals in the industry and they've given me insider info about how the operations work. Keep that in mind. 

I've discussed a few things here: timeline, networking, discrimination, and hiring practices. Feel free to jump around.

The timeline of events:

1. Locate the dream position. Print out description and instructions. ID keywords, skills, etc. and notate my qualifications for each. Try to ID my measurable outcomes (hard for this career path).
2. Research the organization or company to better understand their mission, reputation, etc.
3. Research the location. Will the proposed salary be enough to pay for living in that area? Will my auto insurance rate change? Scrutinize rent and all other expenses.
4. Review resume and customize to highlight all of the employer's desires
5. Craft a cover letter that presents me in an authentic light, addressing the specific needs of the organization. Try in vain to locate specific information such as contact name, address, etc. although that's not usually given.
6. Fill out the lengthy required online application, including all job and education history, references, additional personal info, demo surveys, various authorizations, and upload all docs that basically reiterate everything I just entered. Send it off into the ether.
7. Clip the printed out info to my board so I can review all the notes I made, and scribble "done" in big letters across it.
8. Fill in the info into a chart on my whiteboard so I can track everything.

Okay. So I applied. I'm not going to complain about the amount of time it took to do all of that because a company invests a lot of time and money into employment. So what's next?

1. I may get an email confirming receipt of my application and documents. Probably not. If I applied through an applicant tracker, my status will update to show "submitted."
2. Wait.
3. Monitor my board carefully, updating info, and taking action accordingly.
4. Wait some more, because nobody has said a word to me.
5. Electronically follow up with potential employers after a week if submitted through email or website that doesn't give status updates, since phone calls are either impossible or discouraged.
6. Check the status of positions through the app tracker, if available, usually only to see a status that says "processing." 

So. I applied, typically heard absolutely zero back, followed-up for the first personal contact...now what?

1. Check the websites or job boards to see if the job is still posted, or if has been reposted in the case of a closing date.
2. Through an app tracker, continue checking for updates. If you're not chosen, it'll simply show "not hired" or something similar. That's the only way you'll know.
3. Continue waiting. If I'm lucky, I'll get a response to my first follow-up but that's usually not the case.
4. Check for any follow-up replies, which go one of two ways: "We have yet to review applications" / "We have yet to schedule interviews" or "The position has been filled."
5. In the case of the position having been filled, sometimes I will reply to them, asking them what would make me a more viable candidate in the future. More training? Experience? Yes, perhaps I'm trying to trick them into telling me something that proves discrimination (more on that later) although I know they're too smart for that. However, feedback from them answering those questions would be greatly beneficial for me. For example, I've only received 2 answers, and that was via phone. One after application only and one after an interview. "We went with someone more qualified." For THAT position, I'd love to see who that was because I was a shoo-in for it. To the letter. In the second case, they reposted the job 3 weeks later and ignored me when I re-applied.
6. Remove filled positions from my info board. Update the others.

So now we're looking at ~2 weeks out. Most of the employers have made zero contact with me. Most of those have no way of notifying about job or application status without personal contact. So I'm sitting there, swinging in the wind, clueless about what's going on. With some public sector jobs, the process can drag out for months, so updates are kind of important.

My job-tracker whiteboard

Basically, I just apply for jobs and then sit around with literally no idea what's going on. Currently, I have 2 that are literal dream jobs and I know nothing of my status with them. Do I give up or what? If they're picking interviewees this week, maybe I should schedule an interview with a competing position AFTER I hear from my dream job, in case I'm extended an offer. But what if I accept the lesser position first because I have no idea I'm about to get that call? Even worse, what if it comes 3 weeks later and I've already moved to a different location for a job I didn't really want?

My cover letters and resumes have been checked over, overhauled, and written multiple times by people both in the industry and people who just do resume stuff for a living. We worked together on it so I know what I should be writing, how to word it, and how to pass the automated scanners.

On networking:

I'm in an industry where networking is very valuable. It's a relatively small circle and we all know each other somehow. I've done extensive, quality volunteer work with several organizations and those coordinators are always telling me they'll help me. I'm a member of all the right professional associations and have made contacts through those. I use them as references, we speak often for both personal and professional reasons, and we have good relationships. 

They always tell me they'll use their resources as well to let me know about upcoming jobs, perhaps before they're even posted, and will drop my name before I even apply. They seem sincere. Do they do it? No. I keep them updated on my job search status and whatnot, but they say one thing to my face and then do absolutely nothing.

I have burned no bridges, I have been nothing less than professional. I have always been careful with social media, and have done multiple audits of accounts to make sure they're appropriate. I don't think there's anyone gunning for me and I can't imagine why anyone would. I've never done anything unbecoming, rude, or wrong. My criminal record is non-existent.

I'm not a name-dropper, but I will lead potential employers into asking me who it is I know at XYZ Organization, and then I lay it on them.

I can only assume people are flaky assholes. I'd never do that to someone - I haven't ever - and I can't understand why it's happening to me.

On discrimination:

I went back to school as a non-traditional student, as far as age goes, in order to get additional education for this career. My class peers were definitely younger than me, but since I had already done the college thing once, I performed better academically and had better communication (and respect) from my professors.

Upon graduation, my peers had either already secured a job or were employed within a couple of months of graduation. Me? Radio silence.

Let's look at this a second. Exact same classes. My GPA is higher. I have the same volunteer experience, plus some more. A couple did a summer internship; I couldn't do that for a few reasons. I have previous work history showcasing my dedication, competence, and achievements. But...nothing.

"Are they rejecting me because of my age? I mean, the salary is set; it's not like I can negotiate it, really. Plus, I'm starting out at the ground floor with this career too, just like the rest of them."

Since my previous degree was clearly giving away my age, I deleted it. It was sometimes necessary to establish the track record of skills but I can almost always work around it in other ways and still be honest. Well, I have no idea if it's fooled them into anything or not. I still have to fill out all the background check authorizations, where I have to list all my information. My birthdate's on there. As well as on many other documents.

That is literally the only difference between Them and Me. The ONLY one.

On veteran's preference, interns, and volunteers:

Interns and volunteers are doing the jobs I should have, but they're doing it poorly. I can show you the handsful of examples of volunteers and interns who have done projects that should be done by educated professionals specializing in that field instead because they've gone horribly wrong and have required a redo. But I guess they're more willing to get free labor - even if they're not adequately skilled and/or can't follow basic guidance (or aren't getting it) for the work needed to be done - instead of paying 2 or 3 people with the proper education to do it right the first time, in less time, with less supervision, less materials, and less trainings.

Veterans...ugh. This is going to sound awful and I'm sorry. I have a veteran in my life whom I love more than anything, but the leg up that person has is an unfair one. Just because someone used to be in the military doesn't mean they need help to get a job through mandates. Quite the opposite, I've found. Before that became A Thing, I knew many vets who obtained higher-ranking positions in the workforce than a civilian would simply due to their status in the service, because employers like proven leaders. That's fine. If the position needs a leader, then more power to them. I've seen the potential there.

However. 

We'll call this person "Pat." Pat is a vet. A decade in the military, honorable discharge, small percentage disabled. Pat is the same age I am, has less prior education, no real-world knowledge of how the particular organizations function, a comparable GPA, no volunteer experience, and no experience with any of the skills required for this one job category I've been applying to as well.

Pat got hired immediately with literally NO experience in the duties required AND the most pathetically short PHONE INTERVIEWS possible. Me? Nothing. There hasn't been just a ton of jobs under that heading, so we were (are) competing for the same ones. Pat ends up getting the desired positions, whereas I get ignored entirely. 

On paper, I was a much more qualified candidate. I've compared our resumes and cover letters and everything. Minus the military service and my extra qualifications, they're comparable - obviously, because we took the same classes! I should have been extended those interviews. Pat and I are close, so we discuss the specifics of this veteran phenomenon quite a bit. I'm honest about how I feel and Pat says I'm likely correct in my suspicions. How else do you explain it? I can't even make the cut for an interview and Pat gets one where it's usually about 15 minutes worth of BSing. I've sat through 2 of them and listened through the speakerphone so, yes, I know what Pat's interviews were like. 

Conclusions:

I'm just fucked. I've been treated horribly unprofessionally by potential employers and it seems to be perfectly acceptable these days, across industries. It's disgusting. It takes MAYBE 10 minutes to filter applications and send a generic mass email updating candidates that interviews have concluded and a candidate was chosen. I know, because I've done it. Manually. 

I feel hopeless. I've been relying on a couple of other people to help me make it through life while being unemployed and it's bullshit. I'm essentially a freeloader, and I have zero self-esteem. With no health insurance, I've had to stop taking my needed medications, causing my health to suffer. I struggle with money and go without things I really do need and often risk serious repercussions for doing so, such as not being able to afford the inspection and registration on my vehicle. I've dropped services or whittled them down to the most basic I can. I've sold things way below what I should have, just because I was desperate and overdrawn - again. My social life is non-existent now because I can't ever go anywhere or do anything with my friends. In fact, most of my so-called friends and I don't even talk anymore. They've dumped me. My dogs' healthcare is spotty because even heartworm preventative is expensive and vet visits suck (but i'm not getting rid of my best friend of 10 years. sorry).

I've tried getting jobs at places like AutoZone, Lowe's, etc and even THEY won't hire me and, I quote, "you're overqualified, we can't pay you what you should deserve and, as soon as you find a job with better pay, you're going to leave anyway." That was face to face, and I didn't think to on-the-sly record it (that's legal in my state). And that's IF I can find a place willing to hire full-time. It's a rarity because they don't want to have to pay benefits.

My mother was a hiring manager for 20+ years in retail until she retired 2 years ago. I know what they look for, what to say, what to do, and how to go about it all. Yet, there you go. Nothing.

My confidence is shot. I have very bad thoughts go through my head quite often. I mean, 2 years. I'm worthless - especially in the eyes of potential employers. I literally have no future. My savings is depleted, my CDs and money markets cashed out, I can't continue to save because I have, like, NO income. I'll never be able to retire, I have no nest egg; there will be no happy ending here.

Just like my bank account, I am...

.

When the "Right Time" STILL Isn't Right

When I bought my first new car, I wanted an alarm installed because of where I lived. Terrible, terrible neighborhood. My dad sent me over to a friend of his who owns a pretty swanky shop that does all kinds of high-end installs of car electronics. I definitely didn't fit in there, even with my brand new vehicle.

Dad's friend. Jesus. I don't know how they met but - holy shit - is one of those people who is so charismatic and captivating that you can't stop thinking about them. The fact that he's drop-dead gorgeous didn't hurt any. We became friendly. The flirting got so heavy that one of his workers excused himself from the office, saying it made him feel "awkward and uncomfortable to witness the closest thing possible to verbal sex."

The sexual tension was a tangible sensation, stretching from my chair, across his desk and right into his lap. Even now, when I pull up the emotional file in my brain that outlines every single response I had as I regarded his lingering glance, my chest becomes a little tight and I feel anxious.

I knew he was married. So was I. I knew he had a kid. I didn't care. He didn't either. At first. 

(sidenote: I had never even thought about cheating in a marriage. In fact, I couldn't even remember for sure if I was married during this whole thing bc it's SO unlike me, but the timing of the car solidifies it. And I never connected with another man throughout the remainder of my marriage either. The jackass didn't deserve my faithfulness, but I gave it to him anyway.)

Before things went too far, he just kinda disappeared. I didn't give chase because I knew I was fucking up too. The emotional affair lasted less than a year but here it is, 15 years later, and I still feel the exact same way when I think about him.

He found me on social media about 6 months ago. It started the same way they always do through that medium: "innocent enough." I am not even going to lie and say that, when I saw his company name pop up on my screen, my stomach didn't flip over, deflate, and then right itself, quivering. Every comment, every DM was carefully constructed to suggest interest, but not too much, with a hint of arrogance, but not too much. I wasn't exactly trying to get him hooked, but I was. And I did.

When we moved it to text, I got that familiar feeling when his name came up in my messages. His actual phone. The same one he's had all along. The same one I thought about texting over and over throughout the years. This guy never left my head. I mean, every time I get in my car I have to turn off the alarm, so it's not like I was going to forget about that.

But he's still married. His kid is off to college at the end of this school year. The plan is that she's going to leave after the kid graduates high school. I don't know if she's aware of this or not.

The situation with them is simple. He was married, he cheated. She got pregnant, wife divorced him. Because of his background, he refused to let the kid grow up without both parents there in the same house. He got married to the Other. They've been together this whole time. It's been good, it's been great, it's been terrible, but mostly just not good, he says. He told me he learned his lesson the first time, which is why he's remained faithful this whole time until I came back into his life.

He figured I'd forgotten all about him; wondered why I didn't get back in touch to catch up. And now he sees a light at the end of the tunnel, and he wanted to see if we still have it.

We do. If it's so incredibly intense and we're holding back, I can't imagine what it would be like otherwise.

I see him again for the first time in 15 years tomorrow night. I'm scared shitless. I don't know why. I NEVER get nervous. Usually, I'm like a "chew em up and spit em out" kind of person. This one? I don't know. We've both changed and grown and, apparently, regressed. But I'm just as eager to drop his jaw this time as I was before, and I have no idea why.

When I was younger (and I mean much, much younger), it was almost a game to see if I could get the married guy to leave his wife for me. If wives knew how easy it really is, everyone would be paranoid. With this guy, though, it was different. Maybe because I was married myself, maybe because it's hard enough to work an affair around one schedule and 2 would be even harder? Maybe because I was pretty sure I was going to lose.

I'm not sure I want to get started with this until Kid is fully out of the house. I mean, I'm no stranger to Spousal Confrontation and although I'm out of practice, I'm still a pro and I can't be caught off guard anymore, but it'll be more of a problem for him than it ever would be for me. And he really doesn't need the stress or the ruin of the life he's worked so hard to build for him and the kid. Hell, even SHE didn't have to work for almost the entirety of the time we've not spoken.

Nevertheless, I've been instructed to wear a dress - which I don't really do - and plans are still TBD, but I can't sleep right, I can't think straight, I'm freaking out about my weight and my hair and absolutely everything. 

Over a guy I need to put on pause until June, if not forever.

But those smoldering eyes...they just pierce me in all the right places. Smoldering is about right. I see things crashing and burning pretty quickly after takeoff. That's when most of the accidents happen, right? 

Obviously I make the same mistakes again just to make sure they're still wrong, which makes me...
. .

Biggest Embarrassment...Or Moment of Shame?

I was watching one of my favorite YouTube channels this morning. They're short drawn animations that are kind of Seinfeld-esque in that he takes normal things and turns them into funny, yet totally accurate and relatable voice-over commentary. He's young; probably only out of college for a few years. As you can imagine, most of his subs are young. I am not.

He had this one episode where he showed his most embarrassing moment. It was a funny one, and probably pretty bad at the time. Like most, he was able to look back and laugh. Which got me thinking...what was MY most embarrassing moment? I thought about it for a while and came up with about 15 moments when I'd wanted to crawl under a rock. But then I started thinking about it more.

Mine were pretty heavy. Where do you draw the line between embarrassment and shame? I'm not really sure, experientially-speaking. To me, they feel almost the same.

Many years ago, when I was a pre-teen, I was a model. Most of it was print ads for department stores, but I also did some runway stuff. I didn't care much about the - publicity? - that came with it, but I loved trying on all the outfits and getting all primped and fancied-up by the MUAs and designers. That was my actual motivation. I guess it was to counteract my rock bottom self-esteem.

There was this one show we did at the mall, for a store long since out of business now, that catered to smaller sizes and not only had clothes that were hip but also styles that were office-appropriate; not something common back then at all. Still isn't, really, so I've heard.

This show had a friggin' choreographer. I'd had to work with her before and I HATED her. God, she was such a bitch. Oh, no...a simple runway show wasn't enough. They wanted to make it a *show*. So they had us in all kinds of formations and places on stage, we'd each take turns doing the catwalk and (here's where it gets tricky), something else after.

The choreographer changed routines over and over. After she'd had us do one, she'd decide she didn't like it and change it up. She must have changed the presentation 5 times. Because of her indecisiveness, we had to go with the last one she tried, with the trial run being our only practice.

Then the mall opened for the day.

With this being a late summer show, getting ready for back-to-school shoppers, the mall was pretty crowded. That wasn't the issue. After a couple of minutes of us taking our places on stage, several familiar faces appeared right at the front of the crowd while the announcer was explaining who we were and so on. They were "popular" girls from school. Ones who bullied the living fuck out of me; the kind that would probably get them arrested today.

I was full of dread and pretty nervous at that point. I mean, some of the other models on stage were "work" friends of mine, but they were a totally different life and knew nothing about my school situation.

The show started and everything was going fine. We were all going in the right order, and so forth. The girls from school actually looked impressed, dare I say, jealous? Their smirks were gone as I did my fancy little turn at the end of T-shaped stage where they were standing. But I was still nervous, self-conscious and, honestly, scared as hell.

Aaaaaand, then it happened. Instead of doing the last routine the choreographer had decided on, I did my *specific* thing from the time before that - one we'd also tried out before. So I took a second walk down the row and back. And then I walked right off the stage. Other models had gone back to their spots after their one run, but in reverse order from their starting points, which is what I should have done. 

But I was so nervous, I forgot. To make it worse, some of the models noticed - duh - and started whispering a little. The other girls continued to do what they were supposed to do, but no one filled in my space. (I later learned from other performance-related things that they didn't do what they should have, which was to fill the empty space to make it less obvious.)

To make things EVEN worse, when I went through the curtain at the back, the choreographer asked me if I was going to be sick. I said no, why would she think that. She raised her voice - I'm sure it was even louder than the music - and was screaming at me that I ruined the show and kept telling me what "an airhead blonde" I was and on and on, belittling me and, eventually, making me cry once the shock wore off.

Even when the show was over and the music had stopped and the other models were filing off stage, she was still yelling at me. In front of the other models, in front of some of the parents, in front of the mall coordinators, and at a volume so loud that everyone else could hear.

I was so embarrassed and couldn't believe I'd been so stupid. How could I have forgotten something like that, especially when 2 other models had gone before me? I tried to justify it by thinking that it was because we'd change the routine so much, or that all the cameras flashing confused me, or that I didn't get a clue because I was starting up in front and only 2 other models had gone before me and I didn't notice they'd moved because we'd been shuffled around so much.

But it didn't matter. The damage was done.

I can't even begin to explain what happened when school started. I got it even worse from those girls than I had before, and it wasn't like they ever let me forget it.

Even though companies had inquired about booking me, I wouldn't do it. My agency wasn't even a little concerned about the incident. "Something like that happens all the time and, hey, you didn't fall down - and that happens even more often." 

That runway show was the last modeling gig I ever did. I regret turning those down, now. But at the time, I couldn't stand the idea of getting up in front of people and being seen after that. I've only been on stage 3 times since then: crossing it for 2 graduations, and the lead in one pep rally performance the teachers put on for the kids - and the only reason I agreed to do it was because I was the only one with dancing experience, I was the only one who wasn't obese, and I got to be in a full-on disguise to look just like the musical performer whose song we were dancing to.

The only reason I got outed as the lead dancer was that a kid came back into my classroom after school - she'd forgotten her purse - and saw me taking off the wig. She told everyone it was me. The videos the kids had taken ended up all over YouTube. But, you know what? I nailed the fucking performance, the kids loved it, and I got compliments for weeks. They saw me in a whole new light, and it was pretty damned cool.

I'll never model again; too old, too fat now. Perhaps I've gotten over my fear of being in a  brief spotlight...and who would have thought 1300 ruthless teenagers would have been the ones to get me through it...

Because of the crazy dance moves in heels, my ankle is...
.

Regrets... What I Never Did

So many people lament over things they've done that they think they shouldn't have. I have a different take on it, now that I'm getting a bit older and think about how not taking a chance stunted my list of experiences. Here are a few.

1) Joe
Joe was my first love. I met him in the summer between 6th and 7th grades. It was a rocky friendship in the beginning; he came on a bit strong, to say the least. After a bit, he grew on me. In a frighteningly intense and near-immediate way. 

I'll skip all of the details but, basically, his parents hated me because we were different nationalities and religions. When they realized how much we loved each other and that it wasn't just some silly hormonal thing, they made immediate plans to send him back to their home country to live with his grandparents.

It happened two summers later; between 8th and 9th grade. I was too distraught, but our group of friends coordinated a combo birthday/going away party for him. We held it at a friend's house who had a parent who worked nights so we were, completely, unsupervised. We didn't want problems, so we left out the alcohol.

I knew what was coming. I was still a virgin; I hadn't been ready at all. But he asked me again if I was willing to yet, and I said no. I lived in a fantasy world where I believed that people who slept together needed to stay together. While we had plans of doing just that, long distance, we knew - unspoken - that it wasn't likely to work. Mail took forever and was sometimes monitored by his government, and long distance calling to another country was something only rich people could do.

(In the years that passed, we managed to only get 9 letters each to make it, and one dropped call when I got brave enough to convince my parents to let me call.)

I should have. I wanted to, but I thought it was less-than-perfect timing, so I didn't. He didn't get upset, he didn't keep pushing; we just sat on the couch and held each other for the rest of the party while I cried.

He did eventually come back, when I was in 11th grade. He ended up moving much further away from me than he did before, and I couldn't see him often. We were trying to get to know the New people we'd become and making progress, but we both fell into deep depression from the lack of physical contact and face-to-face bonding. 

He died from a heroin overdose on Valentine's Day, when we were unable to see each other.

I will never forgive myself. Ever. I won't tell you how many years it's been, but I still hate myself for a once-in-a-lifetime chance not taken.

I was about 19 and I went to a punk show where a friend of mine's band was playing, opening for Fear. I went alone, because my boyfriend at the time didn't want to go; it wasn't his kind of music anyway. It was a really good show and this was when Lee Ving was still relatively young and had a body to die for. To say I enjoyed the show was an understatement.

After, I hung around to talk to my friend a little and he found me first. "Hey, you need to come back with me. Lee wants to meet you!" I'm not exaggerating when I say that my head got a little tingly.

I looked at my watch. It was almost 2am. They were going to close the bar but the state's laws seem to be ignored for anything that goes on backstage. But my boyfriend was expecting me back. I admit, he had way more control over me than I should have let him have, so I knew he was going to be pissed if I stayed out much longer.

"Stillie, come on. He said he thinks you're fine as shit. He wants to spend some time alone with you." I knew exactly what that meant. And, oh, how I wanted to. What to do...

"Tell him I would, because he's one of the sexiest men I've ever seen, but I'm pretty sure even HE couldn't tell anyone where all he's been, and I'm not trying to take a visit to the free clinic." My friend looked irritated. "I already told him you were down, girl." "Well, I guess you'll just have to tell him I'd be down if I weren't afraid for my health. I gotta go home. Tell him I am sorry though, and that he'll be in my dreams tonight for sure, but no. Good luck on the rest of your tour..."

And I left. And my boyfriend was still pissed that I came home so late.

To this day, I kinda regret it. I know it would have been a risky thing, even with a condom, but everybody knows they're not failproof and I just couldn't. To this day, every time I watch "Clue" or hear the music, I wonder how it would have been.

I went to the beach with my dog one weekday. It was pretty much deserted except for 2 hooptie 20-year old cars with older teens - fully dressed - lying on the hoods. One was an older black Lincoln, with white spray paint graffiti all over it. The guy on that car watched me pretty closely as I drove past, so I went down quite a way down the beach. I knew my dog would protect me, but still.

I had been swimming and was sitting at the edge of the water with the tide occasionally washing up to my waist, my best friend at my side. He came driving down the beach towards us. He stopped between me and my truck, backed up to the dunes yards behind. He got out, shut the door, and leaned against it. My dog wasn't even a little concerned, and I took note of that.

We started talking. I don't even remember what about. I enjoyed the conversation and, even from 15 feet away, I could tell he had blue eyes that rivaled the ocean in beauty.

He asked if I wanted to share his Jack in the Box curly fries. I declined, but told him my dog could have a few. He walked over with fries in hand and I could see just how unbelievably gorgeous he was. I was mistaken in his age; it was obvious when he got to me that he was much closer to my age of 22 than I'd initially thought.

Bronzed, with natural sun highlights in his coppery hair, chiseled jawline, and slightly pouty lips, I felt like he was someone I really wanted to know better. But I was still wary. I mean, he had an...unusual car, and was fully dressed in the summer at the beach.

We continued to talk and I found out his dad kicked him out when he couldn't get along with his stepmother and he couldn't afford to continue paying for college and rent with his crappy job. He said he decided it would be better for him in the long run if he lived on the beach instead and paid for IT school. He'd become friends with the old man who ran the burger joint down the road, and although he wasn't allowed to live with him, he was allowed to stay at the restaurant all day and do homework, use the Internet, and whatever else he needed. I could tell he was extremely intelligent and had, apparently, found a way to adapt to his circumstances for the sake of his future.

At this point, the fries were gone, but my dog was lying right next to him. He asked if I'd take his number at the burger joint and call him sometime.

I lied and told him I was actually from a city 3 hours away but had come down to visit my parents during the college break. He looked at me with suspicion until I explained that we were on a quarter system, not semester, and so we had staggered minor breaks compared to other colleges. That part was true, which was I was able to go to the empty beach in the middle of the week. 

He never gave me a sketchy feeling. I never got the impression that he was a bad person or did things I wouldn't approve of - except that whole living on the beach thing. But I didn't take it.

I've regretted not taking it for several years. There's no reason we couldn't have talked on the phone a lot, and I could have had someone to see when I went down there. But I didn't. I often wonder whatever became of him. I wonder if he ever thinks of me too. Probably not. But I won't ever forget him.

I think that's enough for now. I feel better now that I talked about it a bit. Except for the Joe thing, I've don't know if I ever talked about this with anyone. I wish I could forget each one, to be honest. I guess I learned something from my relationship with Joe, but it was a tough lesson to learn and my heart hurts, even now.

I keep saying I'll continue with a theme, such as what I said last time, but you can see that doesn't happen. And I don't post nearly as often as I should. Not that y'all care, because no one's here, but for my own catharsis, just like every single other weirdo with a relatively anonymous blog or online diary. Oh well. Such is my life.

Because of my inactions, I am

Trust Your Gut, Episode 3: The Wedding Mishap

Most people my age have a divorce story. Sad, but true. Or, at the bare minimum, a common-law divorce story. A few have more than one and two brave (stupid?) souls have three divorce stories. One of them is not opposed to getting married again. I'm speechless when people say things like that to me, especially when they're like, "And I never saw it coming! I never thought this would happen to me!"

Ugh. Glad my life isn't like that.

I met P at a Halloween party the literal next weekend after my breakup of a 5-year relationship. We both got drunk, had sex on the backyard trampoline, and then I took him home with me with the sole purpose of a one-night stand.

A few days later, this fool gets my number from the host of the party and calls me. He wanted to see me again. I was in college and he worked at a commission-only call center and I just didn't see anything happening between us worth a shit because, well...telemarketer. Everybody on earth hates them.

He drank too much, had a car but the timing chain broke and he didn't have enough money to fix it so it got towed from his complex and then he couldn't afford to pay for storage fees and they auctioned it off (where we lived, you really HAD to have your own car, as public transportation is limited), he smoked, he drank (admittedly, I did both as well), and had a kid from a one-night stand and it took the mother 3 years to figure out who the father might have been and even after he found out it was him, he still didn't take part in the kid's life although he said he did at one time but he pissed off the mother and she wouldn't let him see him. Umm, okay. So we're talking EXCELLENT man of character, here.

He was intended to be the rebound boy. It lasted much longer than that, probably because I was just bored and my other options were equally as distasteful.

I ended up being his taxi service, in my truck that was 25 years old at the time. He was living with me and pretty much the only thing he contributed with was grocery shopping and cooking. I made him pay for gas a lot, though. It made sense, really, because I was going to be paying those same bills regardless. And living in the serious barrio, it was nice not being alone because I really didn't want to have to shoot someone.

Time goes on, I find out that he'd started using coke and leaving work early so he can go out drinking and still make it home at a normal time. He was taking out payday loans left and right. He eventually bought himself a 1-year old used truck. Nothing fancy, but had a lot of upgraded features and was really nice. So then we had to have A Talk.

It basically went something like, "If you have the money to get a new truck and pay for cigarettes, beer, and coke, then you need to start throwing some cash my way on the weekly and stop with the felony drug use." Which he did. But he didn't stop using, he was just trying to be sneaky about it. What he failed to realize was that I'm an ex-addict too, so I know what to look for when someone's still on coke.

That, of course, brought forth a ton of fights, some of which got physical because drunk + coke + guilt + getting caught = bad shit. I threw him out a lot. I changed the locks a lot. I defended myself by smacking him like a baseball across the face with a guitar. One of the locksmiths was an ex-Israeli army soldier. He literally told me he would take P out and eliminate my problem. He was serious. Google Israeli soldier training. You'll see.

I eventually told P that I was graduating soon (in like, a year and a half) and that I wanted to be married one day, but that if he didn't clean himself up, he needed to get the fuck out and never look back. I loved his soul and who he really was - he came from literal shit in a shithole town and managed to make it to The Big City and kinda support himself among some other really good things about him - but that I hated who he had become and I didn't want him anymore if he was going to make that choice.

So he cleaned up. For real, this time. The line he walked was so straight that it was scary. And he was happier. And more productive. Ditched the telemarketing and went into mortgage brokering. Made more money, convinced his Baby Mama to let him see his son again...things were good. My father didn't particularly like him but saw that something was different and he'd buckled himself down and really becoming something better. He told me that my great-grandmother's engagement ring was his to give me, when he was ready to use it. So we went ahead and had it sized and in the top of my jewelry box.

We were at his parents' in that shithole town and while everyone was getting drunk and playing around in the backyard (this was Christmas night), I had developed a really bad headache from studying in awkward positions and went inside to lay down to sleep. He woke me up at about 1am and told me to get up, that he wanted to take me somewhere. I complained that I still felt like shit, but he dragged me out of bed. At 1:30am, he pulls me up onto this huge boulder on this overlook where you could see miles of ranches, and proposed to me. No ring. And he was still drunk. For some reason, I said yes, even though I knew the whole method of proposing seemed like he hadn't really thought about doing it in a meaningful way. When we got back home, I begged him to take me out to the edge of the lake just outside our condo and propose to me on one knee, with the ring, sober. He refused to do it.

We decided to get married around November of the next year which was kind of a bad choice. I started planning immediately. I was doing my student teaching and graduating, hoping I would have a job before then, and then trying to get married, all within a 6-week time span. But not waiting until the last minute turned out to be the best choice I could have made, as just about everything was completely buttoned up before I even started that last semester. I graduated with his last name. It's on my diploma that way.

He still played it straight for that whole time. I didn't have any doubts, but I still checked up on things every once in awhile because, well, experience with enough piece of shit men had taught me you can't really let your guard down for a long time after.

Wedding day. The absolute perfect wedding of my dreams. We had no hitches or emergencies. Everyone did what they were supposed to do, acted how we were hoping, and it was great. In retrospect, really, the only thing I wish was different was that I'd worn Chanel #22 perfume instead of my old standby.

But, up in that bridal chamber, before the Wedding March started, my stomach started lurching. Not in that nervous bride way but more like, what the actual fuck do I think I'm doing sort of way. I was almost in tears when I realized I was going to have to go down there. The wedding coordinator kept pushing me towards the door. There was no way I could stop it now; money and guests and all of that.

P's face didn't look like you'd expect a man's face to look when I came down the stairs. He didn't look disappointed, but he didn't get that awestruck look. Honestly, there wasn't much of a reaction at all. But everything went fine until I found myself dancing with my dad after. I cried. I cried like a fucking baby because I knew I fucked up and he kind of thought I did too and there was no way to fix it now. The pictures they took of us dancing together are painful to look at now, because you can see my despair and my father's helplessness.

As you can guess, as soon as we got back from our overnight honeymoon about 45 minutes from home, things were different. 

In the middle of all this, he got a new truck. A very new, decked out truck with a high monthly payment. At one point it got "stolen" with his checkbook and expensive paintball gun inside. They recovered the vehicle and the only problem was the driver's side window was broken. Steering column was fine. Hmm. 

At that point, I was proud of my high-salary job and perfect credit and was able to finally buy my first new vehicle ever, at 30 years old. It was almost my dream car; the best possible choice for what was out at the time. He bitched about it (mind you, he'd had 2 new trucks since we got together while I still had the 25-year old truck) even though I got a crazy low interest rate and had negotiated a good deal on the car.

We started looking for a house to buy around the 1-year mark (we didn't do anything for our anniversary, btw). We looked and looked, most houses got sold out from under us, but we eventually found a house. We'd gotten a mortgage through the company he worked for. I was so busy working 2 jobs (teaching and then at night at a bar) that I basically gave him permission to sign everything on my behalf; we'd talked at length about what we wanted, how much down payment we were going to make, the type of loan we wanted, which pre-sale inspector to use, etc.

He took advantage of that and ended up getting us an ARM, he got some weird 0% down thing, and I couldn't do anything about it really. We had to hand over a check for $1k at closing for some reason, but whatever, right? Um, no. Fucking thing bounced. He knew it was going to. I had to go get a money order the very next day and get it to the title company. Right then, I knew something was wrong.

Within a few months he was back to using and drinking too much and lying. I was kind of in denial and wasn't really checking up on him because I don't think I wanted to know. We had another pretty big fight while I was on break at work and he threatened to walk out of the condo and leave the door wide open so the dogs could escape and get lost. I told him that, if he did that, I would literally track him down and fuck him up until I finally decided to spare him and kill him. If I couldn't find him, I was going to his parents' house. He immediately said, "You win. You know I was only joking. I love those dogs too." Mmm-hmm.

But I put a keylogger on my computer and was floored. I'll just fast-forward here.

I was out of town on a training and he called me at 3am, freaking the fuck out because there was something in the attic "trying to get him" and it had slammed the attic door on his head, cutting his forehead. I knew he was fucked up, but I told him to get the dogs and go to my parents' house. I called my dad who was, obviously pissed because it was 3am, and told him P was coming over with the dogs because there was something going on at the house. Although we'd lived in a very haunted condo for a whole 3 months once, I knew this was different. My roommate for the trip heard everything while I was in the hallway and was concerned when I got back in. I called P to see if he'd made it to my parents' but he didn't answer. I called my dad and he said P hadn't shown up. I called P again. Nothing. I asked my dad to go over and check on him but to remember that we had a pistol and to be very careful. (My parents lived about 3 minutes from us)

My dad called me from the driveway and said that all the lights were out and when he went in, P was passed out on the couch with the TV blaring and was unresponsive. He just left. I guess he didn't care if P was dead or not. Ha.

I kept trying to call and I was completely wrecked all the fuck up for the training exercises the next morning. Kept calling. Finally got him, he hadn't gone to work, and I basically told him to get the fuck out of my house (that we'd had for about 2 months at this point) and he'd better not take anything but his clothes for now. I told my neighbors, my father, and my cousin down the street what was going on, so they could kind of keep an eye on his activities. A friend let him borrow a truck for it. He took his clothes and his weight bench.

I already knew I was going to divorce him. I'd contacted a very aggressive, bitter female lawyer and started drawing up paperwork. 

P begged me to come back. I figured I'd give him a chance to prove himself but kept going with the divorce stuff. He didn't know about any of it. This was also about the time I noticed that our bank account was a lot leaner than it should have been and I started getting phone calls from credit card companies I didn't have cards with, but swore that I did and that I was delinquent.

P came home but I told him he had a week to enroll in a monitored NA program at a facility literally a mile from his job. He tried telling me they didn't have any programs after his work hours which, of course, I followed up on, told him I'd found one there, and told him I wanted proof that he'd enrolled and was working the stuff they told him to work. I still hadn't confronted him about anything yet.

I contacted all the creditors calling and requested they send me the original paperwork from when the card was applied for and approved. None of the signatures were mine; he'd forged everything. I kept all of it in a small locked ammo can under the passenger seat of my Jeep, also locked to the frame with a cable and master lock.

I insisted that P start bringing home his paperwork from the rehab program so I could see it and verify that he'd been doing what he was supposed to be doing. I told him ahead of time that I was going to call his counselor if anything looked off. I took that paperwork after each week, made copies on the printer upstairs, put the copies into his folder, and put the originals in my ammo can. Since he got a new paper every session, he never checked the previous ones to notice they were copies. I dug through his stuff when he was at work - I got home 2 hours before he did - and found forged W2s that, presumably, helped him get the vehicles with a co-signer (which I'd refused to do both times, causing a huge blowup, but whatever). White-out and the whole deal. I made copies of those, took the originals and put them in my box. Put the fakes back in his footlocker.

I was giving all of these papers to my attorney when I saw her. At this point, he'd managed to convince his mom to co-sign for him to get another truck - a base model Tundra which I knew he still couldn't pay for - and they basically lent it to him, I guess, until they ran the numbers on the new W2 from his next new job and saw he couldn't afford it. They worked a deal with him where he could get a new base model Echo, so he did. He was PISSED about that.

At some point, he'd quit going to the NA program.

Once I had word from the attorney that we had enough for me to keep everything I owned, as well as anything we'd acquired since marriage (which the second part is kind of unusual; that's usually a 50/50 thing since we were in a community property state), I went ahead with the final stuff. She tried to convince me to take his car too, stating that I could if I wanted, but I decided not to. The house deed was automatically transferred to my name.

I came home from work on Friday and he was already home. They'd sent him home because he was too coked up to work or communicate effectively. I put him out of the house with the police department's help, and that was that.

They tried to serve him with papers at the house where he was living with friends, but the owner said he wasn't there - even though he was. They served him at work, finally, but we heard nothing back. The day before his last day to "answer," he had papers sent back to my attorney, stating that he'd retained an attorney as well. Except the guy was a debt collection attorney. Basically nothing.

I put P's few belongings into a couple of boxes and had them by the front door in the hall.

I got ahold of him at work (his cell had been disconnected) and told him to come sign the papers. Now, in my state, he didn't have to. He could have ignored the whole damned thing but it wouldn't have mattered - I still would have been granted the divorce and all the bullshit would be handled on the court date. But he did come to sign (because he didn't know better; his attorney knew nothing about divorce law) and he said not one word. Signed, shoved the chair back, knocking it over, and walked out of the house, leaving the door open. He tried to peel out but he was driving that Echo so...no. Heh.

He didn't even show up for the court date. I was granted the divorce about a week after our anniversary. I wanted to get it pushed up to the actual date of our anniversary, just as a kind of fuck you to him, but my attorney just couldn't do it. The judge asked me why I didn't require him to pay off all the fraudulent bills and I said, "Because I know collections law and federal law supersedes state law. You can order him to pay it, but federal law says that because we're in a community property state, we're both liable. He won't pay it, so I'm still stuck with it. I can file charges for the fraud but, again, because we were married at the time, it's both our responsibility." My credit score promptly took a nosedive and Capital One even filed a judgment against me for a $4000+ debt. They couldn't make me pay it; you can't garnish wages over that, so I knew I was fucked for at least 7 years, if not longer, because Capital One will re-file for years, typically.

Then I got the surprise of a person at the door one evening serving me with papers of foreclosure proceedings. Apparently he hadn't paid the mortgage not even once since we'd moved in.

I was stuck. I couldn't move out because my credit wasn't good enough to get a new place, not even an apartment. I had to find a way to keep it out of foreclosure because it was the only choice I had. That was a ridiculous endeavor that caused me tons of stress, trying to cut through red tape, calling out mortgage companies (they sold my account several times) on their deceptive practices...God, it took years before I finally got it restructured to a payment I could *barely* afford. If I hadn't had my Jeep paid off, I'dda been sunk like the Titanic. And I still needed help from my parents quite often.

This whole time, I was still getting mail with our last names on it. (I'd legally changed mine back in the divorce decree) I'd kept my former married name at work for professional and privacy reasons. I had to fight for years to get his name off the mortgage - when you borrow money jointly, it's still y'all's loan; ownership of the house makes no difference - and told the mortgage companies that if they could find him, then we could work shit out that way. I had no idea where he was. I also had to tell the repo man that when he came looking for P so he could take possession of the Echo.

For 9 years, I still had to see shit with his name on it. Once I quit my teaching position and sold the house (as soon as I got out from under it and, believe it or not, I made money on the money pit which, by the way, I found out he'd never actually GOTTEN a pre-sale inspection on the house), I could finally delete his last name from my life. And it worked. I was afraid he was going to try to come after me for some of the money of the sale of the house - a mutual friend was the insurance agent - so I was pretty much on pins and needles for awhile. I was so fucking furious that he was able to just walk away and start his life all over (he got married 3 years later to a really nice girl from his hometown and they had a daughter 7 months later...do the math) while I was stuck picking up the pieces from an explosion of a marriage.

Three days shy of what would have been our 10th anniversary, I received an email from him. I was scared and didn't know what to say. It was short, but I didn't know how to react. I didn't tell anybody except my psychiatrist and my boyfriend and then sat on it for 3 months before I replied. My boyfriend urged me to do it, that maybe it would help me find closure, so I did. I sent a two-sentence reply and he sent back quite a long thing. No apology, however. My response could have burned a down a forest, it was so full of fire and brimstone. He didn't respond. A few days later, I re-read my reply and re-read his last exchange and realized I'd overreacted with over-the-top emotional reactions, so I sent another one explaining why I'd reacted like that.

To make all of this a bunch shorter, we talked a whole lot. I got to forgive, which was the biggest weight off my shoulders and made my heart feel so much better. My family was pissed. They couldn't believe I did it. I tried explaining that I did it for me, not so he could clear his conscience. That the hate and anger had been taking a toll on me and I had to let it go and come to an understanding with him for MY sanity and health. They still didn't get it. My dad was the most angry. I'm surprised he didn't have a heart attack. He told me, again, that P needed to be thankful that my dad hadn't called his Cajun friends and given P a permanent, poor-quality scuba lesson in the Louisiana swamp.

So, yes, I guess there's a relatively happy ending here. I still hold a bit of resentment but, it's not terrible. We've shared memes and I found his old band recordings which nobody else had or everyone had lost for some reason, I sent pictures of pics we'd taken from various things that were either really funny, or pics I'd taken of his family or son. His brother had died while we weren't speaking, so I sent him images of all the pics of the brother I could find. We're okay, although our communication has pretty much stopped. And that's okay too.

Lesson in this incredibly fucking long diatribe and sad story: trust your gut. Don't think that, just because someone proposes to you and you're getting older than you thought you would be, you have to marry them. Don't hand over all important decisions to your SO because it's convenient. Even if you've decided on something, be present. Know exactly what is going on with transactions. Keep an eye on that bank account and check your personal credit score often. Not out of distrust, necessarily, but out of due diligence of being an adult with finances, which every adult should do, married or not. Most importantly, do not stay with toxic people. Even if they change/grow up for what seems like a long amount of time. It's not worth it. If anybody raises a hand to you, boot them, and don't look back on 'good times' and think that it'll be okay again. You can do bad on your own; you don't need anybody's help. And, if you ignore all of that, and you're standing up there in the bridal chamber, or waiting at the altar, and something feels wrong, walk away. Nobody will be mad for long. If you go through with the marriage, you're going to have ended up paying for the wedding AND a divorce in the long run. Just stop it before it goes further. People will understand. I promise.

Despite coming to terms with this shit, I am...
 

Trust Your Gut Episode 2: Dirt Sky Dirt Sky

I race rally cars. Fast. On open roads in various countries with very dangerous roadways. My driver (I'm the navigator) and I both know the risks and realize that every race we begin may be our last. 

Day 3 of a 3-day race and we were going to be driving down very twisty roads hugging the walls of a canyon and then back up again. Obviously, this is a full race car situation with a roll cage and helmets and HANS devices and window nets and 5-point harnesses and whatnot. Some people also use arm restraints. I've never liked them because they make it hard to turn the pages of the route book.

I have arm restraints and I keep them in my gear bag but I never use them. Right before we started the speed stage I thought, "You know...I wish I'd brought my arm restraints. Better safe than sorry, right?" But I didn't, so...

So, of course, the last speed stage before service, we rolled the car. Hit some gravel on a very tight turn, and my driver instinctually decided to slam us into a boulder on the cliff wall side at 75mph instead of trying to correct which wouldn't have worked out well, I'm sure, and tossing us off the road and into the canyon. Even with our safety equipment, it's likely we would not have survived. I mean, we wouldn't have.

As soon as I realized what was happening, I tucked my arms in between my body and my aluminum race seat as far back as I could, which is probably what kept my arms from flailing around and hitting the ground and rocks, even through the netting. Arm restraints may have helped but maybe not, since I would have had them extended out further so I could hold the book. 

If I'd had them with me, would I have put them on? Yes. Did I end up needing them? Yes. How I managed to find a solution to keep my arms safe in a split second is beyond me, besides that fact that I'd played out all of the possible scenarios in my head over and over during the several years we've done this race, so I kinda knew what to do without thinking.

This one turned out okay. Next time, it might not. But what I will say is that there are a few speed stages where I think I'll be wearing those arm restraints no matter what from here on out. Scared? Hell, no. We're already preparing for a race in October if the driver's back is stable enough and gets clearance from the doctor to race. If not, I guess we'll wait until next April. I can't imagine them banning him from racing ever again. Many of our friends have gone through way worse and got back in a race car pretty quickly.

Trust your gut. It could save you from serious injury in a case like this. I got lucky but will never make the mistake again of leaving out a piece of safety gear due to its slight inconvenience. I'll make it work.

My x-rays show I am...