The Onset of "Sunday Anxiety"

I've been reading a lot of personal blogs from teachers who are voicing opinions about their jobs. The frustrations, the victories, the reasons for why they walked out, the reasons why they stay, and how the kids are almost always the reason they can't break free from the personal hell that is teaching.

It may have taken 9 years, but I'm beginning to see that I'm not alone. It's forbidden to vent or talk about frustrations on my campus; God forbid we say ANYTHING negative about the state of our school, instruction, policies, or anything else. That's unhealthy, it's a way to keep teachers in a mentally isolated place, and it fosters quick burnout and hopelessness. Ask me how I know. Heh.

These other teachers have mentioned something called "Sunday Anxiety." I didn't even have to read further to understand exactly what they meant. I've been feeling it for a few years now. And it's not just the worry about being prepared, or making sure your clothes are ready...it's about knowing the misery you'll face as you walk through that door on Monday morning. Sunday nights are usually moody, with dinner being optional and elusive sleep. My Mondays start out with dry heaving and a headache before I even leave the house. Often, I'll sit in my truck in the parking lot for 7 or 8 minutes to do some deep breathing and calming rituals before braving the front doors.

I just don't love my job anymore. I love what teaching is SUPPOSED to be, but it's not. I could say that "teacher school" lied to me as I took all those education classes and did the field work, but they didn't. They gave me real-world situations - from 20 years ago when the professors were teachers themselves. I'm not sure they understand just how much education will change, even within a year. I went to school to do this; I wasn't in the corporate world and decided to "give back" and "change the world" because pushing a pencil around on a desk and submitting TP reports just felt too unproductive. And I know now that I made the wrong choice.

As the beginning of the school year quickly approaches - in less than 20 days - I feel the anxiety in full-swing already. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I've been crying...my boyfriend is sad because he knows he can't console me. Starting mid-year of last year, I started filling out applications to districts all over the rest of the state; places I knew I'd like to live and could actually do some positive things to improve instruction for the students. I had TWO bites out of close to 30 applications, and one was for the juvenile justice system high school on the US side of a Mexican border town and the other never even called me back when I left messages (3, to be exact) about setting up the interview they requested.

I'm more than qualified for these positions. The districts to which I applied are a little behind my current one in their instructional strategies and approaches. The concepts I learned from my very rough, urban, Title I school would do wonders for students in a slightly higher socioeconomic demographic. I am a very effective educator, despite all the obstacles, and have the data to prove it. Still, nothing. That being said, my "effectiveness" in my school is still deplorable and sub-standard, but my performance is still higher than the other teachers in my department and sometimes the rest of the district.

At this point, I have a couple of weeks to secure another position. I figure the districts must be desperate and I'll have a better chance. I will be taking a minimum of a $10K paycut for many of those jobs and I will probably have a difficult time finding housing I can afford and I will have to short sell my house (or let it go into foreclosure) and find a way to move what's left of my possessions, my dogs, my fish tanks, and all my cars to my new home. It won't be easy and it will take a lot of time, effort, and fuel. But I don't care. I have to do whatever I can to keep from vomiting up the water I drank during the night. I have to do whatever I can to stop swallowing "teacher strength Advil" which equates to 5 at a time. I have to stop the cycle of bawling out of depression every time my truck hits the street outside of the school, and all the way home.

So, in these last few days, please pray that something good will happen for me. If I get the position for which I applied last night, I would be very pleased. I'd be 4 and a half hours closer to the love of my life (which is currently a 6 hour drive from me), I will be in a town large enough for all the conveniences but small enough to be a place of emotional refuge with a lot of natural amenities such as lakes, untouched natural recreation areas, and beautiful landscape. I need this. And I only have the rest of this week to make it happen.

Thanks for letting me rant a little. I had to get this out to someone besides the ones who surround me and hear this same bellyaching every few weeks. I may not have many readers, but the ones I do have are the best. Thanks.
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