When the "Right Time" STILL Isn't Right

When I bought my first new car, I wanted an alarm installed because of where I lived. Terrible, terrible neighborhood. My dad sent me over to a friend of his who owns a pretty swanky shop that does all kinds of high-end installs of car electronics. I definitely didn't fit in there, even with my brand new vehicle.

Dad's friend. Jesus. I don't know how they met but - holy shit - is one of those people who is so charismatic and captivating that you can't stop thinking about them. The fact that he's drop-dead gorgeous didn't hurt any. We became friendly. The flirting got so heavy that one of his workers excused himself from the office, saying it made him feel "awkward and uncomfortable to witness the closest thing possible to verbal sex."

The sexual tension was a tangible sensation, stretching from my chair, across his desk and right into his lap. Even now, when I pull up the emotional file in my brain that outlines every single response I had as I regarded his lingering glance, my chest becomes a little tight and I feel anxious.

I knew he was married. So was I. I knew he had a kid. I didn't care. He didn't either. At first. 

(sidenote: I had never even thought about cheating in a marriage. In fact, I couldn't even remember for sure if I was married during this whole thing bc it's SO unlike me, but the timing of the car solidifies it. And I never connected with another man throughout the remainder of my marriage either. The jackass didn't deserve my faithfulness, but I gave it to him anyway.)

Before things went too far, he just kinda disappeared. I didn't give chase because I knew I was fucking up too. The emotional affair lasted less than a year but here it is, 15 years later, and I still feel the exact same way when I think about him.

He found me on social media about 6 months ago. It started the same way they always do through that medium: "innocent enough." I am not even going to lie and say that, when I saw his company name pop up on my screen, my stomach didn't flip over, deflate, and then right itself, quivering. Every comment, every DM was carefully constructed to suggest interest, but not too much, with a hint of arrogance, but not too much. I wasn't exactly trying to get him hooked, but I was. And I did.

When we moved it to text, I got that familiar feeling when his name came up in my messages. His actual phone. The same one he's had all along. The same one I thought about texting over and over throughout the years. This guy never left my head. I mean, every time I get in my car I have to turn off the alarm, so it's not like I was going to forget about that.

But he's still married. His kid is off to college at the end of this school year. The plan is that she's going to leave after the kid graduates high school. I don't know if she's aware of this or not.

The situation with them is simple. He was married, he cheated. She got pregnant, wife divorced him. Because of his background, he refused to let the kid grow up without both parents there in the same house. He got married to the Other. They've been together this whole time. It's been good, it's been great, it's been terrible, but mostly just not good, he says. He told me he learned his lesson the first time, which is why he's remained faithful this whole time until I came back into his life.

He figured I'd forgotten all about him; wondered why I didn't get back in touch to catch up. And now he sees a light at the end of the tunnel, and he wanted to see if we still have it.

We do. If it's so incredibly intense and we're holding back, I can't imagine what it would be like otherwise.

I see him again for the first time in 15 years tomorrow night. I'm scared shitless. I don't know why. I NEVER get nervous. Usually, I'm like a "chew em up and spit em out" kind of person. This one? I don't know. We've both changed and grown and, apparently, regressed. But I'm just as eager to drop his jaw this time as I was before, and I have no idea why.

When I was younger (and I mean much, much younger), it was almost a game to see if I could get the married guy to leave his wife for me. If wives knew how easy it really is, everyone would be paranoid. With this guy, though, it was different. Maybe because I was married myself, maybe because it's hard enough to work an affair around one schedule and 2 would be even harder? Maybe because I was pretty sure I was going to lose.

I'm not sure I want to get started with this until Kid is fully out of the house. I mean, I'm no stranger to Spousal Confrontation and although I'm out of practice, I'm still a pro and I can't be caught off guard anymore, but it'll be more of a problem for him than it ever would be for me. And he really doesn't need the stress or the ruin of the life he's worked so hard to build for him and the kid. Hell, even SHE didn't have to work for almost the entirety of the time we've not spoken.

Nevertheless, I've been instructed to wear a dress - which I don't really do - and plans are still TBD, but I can't sleep right, I can't think straight, I'm freaking out about my weight and my hair and absolutely everything. 

Over a guy I need to put on pause until June, if not forever.

But those smoldering eyes...they just pierce me in all the right places. Smoldering is about right. I see things crashing and burning pretty quickly after takeoff. That's when most of the accidents happen, right? 

Obviously I make the same mistakes again just to make sure they're still wrong, which makes me...
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