Not Enough Rope

You know how people tell you that when you get to the end of your rope, you should tie a knot and hold on? Nobody ever tells you what to do if you've reached the end of yours and there's not enough rope left to tie that knot. That's exactly where I am right now.

First of all, I'm still unemployed. I went through a period of totally paralyzed to do anything after getting two interviews - one of which I was absolutely positive was a slam dunk - and not getting hired. At least they called me back, which is more than what I can say for most companies. Actually, let me rephrase that: One called me back. The other one was just an email from one of the three women who interviewed.

The head of the team of the first interview called me, at least, and we had a very good conversation. He told me all the things that were strengths that I should play up but, ultimately, the person they hired had way more experience than I have, and I know they made the right decision so I'm not upset.

The one I thought was definitely mine, well...I emailed her back and asked her if there were any skills I should acquire or bone up on to make myself a better candidate in the future, or if she had any interview feedback. She couldn't even be bothered to respond. That one was in my hometown, one which I've struggled my entire life to get out of (mostly because it's so huge and people are massive assholes) and this is an example of why; just rude and inconsiderate, especially since it's a very small organization and she'd been gushing over me while I was in the interview.

I've kind of emotionally recovered from yet more failures and have begun filling out the mentally-draining extensive resume/cover letter customization and then the redundant 2-time applications.

Nothing has come of it, except the 2020 US Census contacting me about 8 weeks of work. Um, yeah. What'll that do for me? Make me too busy to fill out job apps all day, that's what.

My personal life is a fucking nightmare. 

To be honest, I'm so checked out right now that I don't even want to finish writing this. I've lost literally all of my motivation. I can only get through about one app a day at this point due to my exhaustion. I have headaches all day, every day. I don't want to be around anybody. I was actually in my hometown yesterday, about 1.5 miles from my parents, and didn't even tell them I was in town or go by, which is totally not like me. I've been backing out of the very rare occasion of social things I've committed to...classic severe depression symptoms. Even my meds aren't working anymore, apparently.

It's hard to explain, I guess, unless you've been unemployed for a couple of years like I have been - right after graduation, with a degree that's in-demand, and all your friends got jobs immediately or while they were still in school - some have already had promotions - and I'm still in my college town because I can't afford to move and, even if I did, I'm hoping I will get a job and who knows where I'll be moving.

Networking has done absolutely nothing for me, even though I know those people have leads.

Ugh. I'm just slipping into an abyss, and I'm completely alone here, I feel completely alone in life, and I'm stuck. I'm so ashamed that I'm not even talking to people about work at all. I sunk low enough to lie to my family at Christmas about my job status.

I just wish I had a way out.

This is just more proof that I am definitely...
.