Scott won't leave me alone. I had been trying to put him off as long as possible because - honestly - the mere thought of him still ties my stomach up in knots. I get butterflies. My head gets all cloudy, as does my judgment. I knew that if I heard his voice, I was toast. So I tried to placate him through as many texts as possible, trying to also learn about his new life.

Although we haven't spoken to or seen each other in 10 years, we have gone down similar paths and have so many interests in common - it's frightening.

The worst part is, I can guess that he's a liar, and people rarely change, but I just can't ignore him. I just can't.

He said the reason he had to find me was because he has never felt the way about anyone else as he felt about me. There were many excuses to why he said he treated me the way he did, and a few almost made sense.

The things I wish I'd never heard would be that he's never been able to forgive himself for what he did, that I was the one girl he should have fought for and kept. He says he's cleaned up his life, come into his own, and found his higher power, and now realizes what is really important in life: living and love, and that what we had was real, although he was too foolish and stupid to realize it then.

He sent me a text this morning saying, "I really wish I could see you. I get really excited when my phone buzzes and it's you. Only you make me feel this way. I love you still, Angie."

He's been telling me every day that he still loves me.

I probably shouldn't say this, because I shouldn't be comparing, but even The Boy won't tell me he loves me unless I prompt him. Except for on the phone. He'll do that, sometimes.

There is no way I can truly put into words what I'm feeling right now. I know what y'all are thinking - trust me, I do. I know I'm walking a tightrope and yes, I know he's probably still a liar and a con. I made it perfectly clear that I don't need a man, and I don't need anyone to save me, so if he was trying to impress me with material items, it wasn't going to work. He said that made him want me even more. *sighs*

I told him that if he was on my Facebook, then he already knows The Boy exists and that we're together and it's serious. He said, "I don't care. I can wait. I'll show you I'm better."

I've been dreaming about him and I can't stop thinking about him. I thought I was doing okay until he called me, but that wasn't true. I was fucked from the moment he contacted me.

The fact that he's a 3-hour drive from me is a saving grace. The fact that The Boy is living with me is a big help.

What's not a help is that while The Boy is a dream man in almost every sense, he has no passion for me and isn't affectionate at all. I can't remember the last time we had sex and, even when we did, it wasn't as mindblowing as I thought it would be. He has little desire to please me physically and, even with gentle suggestions or guidance, he just won't do it. We discuss sex at other times besides the bedroom, and he always seems receptive, but just won't do it.

Is it wrong to want someone to sweep me off my feet with affection and attention? I don't think so. I just wish it were The Boy doing it. But I've discussed this many times before and, apparently, he just ain't gonna change. So this is kinda stupid to even write about at this point.

The sex with Scott was...well...10 years ago. Not worth mentioning with it that far in the past, right?

But it was amazing. You know...I'm just sayin'...

Things are such a mess here that I actually considered dropping everything and leaving. Leaving The Boy, abandoning the house, quitting my job, and just moving up there and starting over. I don't want to say that I still love Scott, because I don't think that's possible.

I'm kinda distracted as I'm trying to write, so I'm going to leave you with this: I'm doing a very good job of fantasizing and then re-grounding myself. Just because I want something doesn't mean that's how it's going to be. I can't explain my physical reaction to his texts, pictures, or voice. He remembers more about our relationship (ha!) than I do, although once he says it, I can remember snippets of that event. Everything happens for a reason, and I'm trying to figure out what purpose this reconnection serves.

Until then, I'm trying to stay focused on getting my house clean and surviving work.
.