30 Days of Truth - Day Six - May I Never

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I can think of one hell of a list of things I hope I never have to do. I think about all the most horrible things I could possibly have to deal with, and most seemed pretty selfish. One, however, stood out.

Very simply put, I hope I never have to be the one to make a decision regarding a loved one's life or death. For example, my mother and her sisters had to decide to remove the life support system from my grandmother. There was no logical reason to leave her hooked up; her brain was clinically dead and she couldn't possibly live without the machine. Hell, she wasn't "living" that way, anyway.

When my other grandmother died, 2 years ago on Sunday, it was my job (somehow appointed to me by default) to pick out the clothes she would wear in the casket at the funeral. I was still in shock that she was gone. How could I possibly put together a decent outfit? And why did I put all of her undergarments and hose in a bag to take to the funeral home? Because. My brain was overloaded with grief. I wasn't even the one who decided her life was to end - that was made by some power much greater than a mere mortal.

My biggest fear is that I'm going to marry the love of my life (finally). We're going to live many, many years together happily, poking fun at each other for getting older, and then something will happen to my husband. Whatever it may be, it will be one of those situations where I will have to decide, as the surviving spouse, whether or not to remove the life support and let nature take its course.

It's kind of self-serving to say, "Oh, I hope I die first. I couldn't stand the pain of losing my husband!" At the same time, someone with rather low self esteem *coughcough* may not believe it would actually be some terrible, horrible, painful loss for the husband to endure if they were the one to die first - as in my case. I'm sure (let's say Troy, for instance) Troy would be upset - sure, who wouldn't? - but I have a feeling I'd be much worse off if the roles were reversed. Just looking at our current situation proves that. He's offshore on an oil rig - totally isolated from all he knows and his entire life upended - and he's doing pretty well, as far as he lets on. Me? I'm a total, 100% fucking wreck. All because I simply miss him. So I can't imagine having to 'pull the plug' on someone who means the world to me.

I had to make the decision to euthanize my elderly terrier almost a year ago. I still expect to see her. I still have her bed out next to my bed. I can't seem to put it up or throw it out. I still kinda hate myself for making that decision, although I would have hated myself even more if I'd let her continue to suffer. It was really bad. My father said I probably shouldn't have let her linger like I did - that I should have "had it done" a couple of months before I did. But I couldn't. Life without her...it's just not as good. I know she could not have recovered; she was at least 17 and her body was just shutting down. Letting her 'rest more,' or 'feed her more expensive, healthier food' wouldn't be the answer, either. I knew it, but those were both excuses I gave for thinking maybe I could hang on.

Knowing what I know about how I handle deaths that are close to me, I'd have to say that taking someone I love off life support would probably be one of the worst things I could have to deal with. And I pray that nothing ever happens to make that an issue in my life. But, knowing Troy and his Trickier-Than-Evel-Knievel hobbies, I always have to keep that in the back of my mind. That's why I give him a kiss and a knock on the helmet every time he climbs into that race car.

Until next time,