30 Days of Truth - Day Five- In This Life...

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I feel as if this is a little unfair, because I have so MANY things I want to do during my life. There's a very long list of things I'd really like to be able to experience, accomplish, and conquer. But there are really only two things that dominate the list:

a) I want to find that special someone, and
b) I want to move out into the country where I can have some land, some animals, and a pond.

Life never turns out as planned. Of this, I am painfully aware. So I can sit here and say, "Oh, I can do one or the other, but it will never turn out that way," or I may decide, "There's no reason why I can't have both, although I may have to start out alone to do it." The bottom line is that, no matter what I do to try to direct where my life is headed, around every turn, with every passing week, I realize that I am not really in control of it.

Aliens. That's what's in control of my life. Roswell Refugee aliens now hiding in some remote part of Washington State.

Ever since I can remember (and I mean the beginning of my thought-processing consciousness, say, 4 or 5 years old), I have always wanted to live in the country. I hate the city - always have. All the best times of my life have been in the country. Some of the times where I've had to work the hardest, longest, most grueling hours in unpredictable weather have been in the country. Some of the most frightening things in my life have happened in the country (Think almost cutting off your thumb completely and being 2+ hours away from any kind of doctor, much less an ER. But that's another story for another time!).

The problem with living in the city and trying to accomplish the two goals I mentioned is that you're kind of stuck. It's hard to find jobs in remote areas or small towns. In addition, you continue to meet city boys (or ex-country boys) and most of them are perfectly happy in the city and don't want to/can't move. So I've always looked at it as if I need to get the fuck out of here while I'm between men. If you know me, you know that doesn't happen very often. Good or bad, I seem to be attached to someone damn-near all the time.

In order for me to move, I have to find a job. I've been looking for 2 years (Texas is a big place. I'm not being picky about where I go - I just don't want north or east.) and still haven't managed to find anything except an interview in El Paso which, I'm sorry, that's one place west I am NOT living. The actually job locating has been the most difficult part. Then, trying to explain to country folk why they should hire someone from the city, especially HOUSTON (*horrified gasps*), is almost impossible. The only people in Texas who like Houston are some of the people IN Houston, or disillusioned teens from a small town who think getting out of where they are and going to a huge city is the answer to all their discontent. Everywhere else, you mention Houston (or even a suburb of Houston), and they lower their eyes, and quietly say, "I'm sorry," "How can you LIVE there?!", "I could never live in a place like that," or "Oh." And that's the conversation killer.

But I'm networking every time I take a trip. I volunteer with groups that get me out into new places and I try to make friends and contacts. I check a variety of websites on a regular basis, hoping I'll find something I'm qualified for. It's just really hard to get some of them to even give you a chance when they see where you're from. Even the area code is a giveaway, because my address is not actually "Houston." It's a small city outside of Houston just over the county line that 97% of Houstonians haven't even heard of. But the area code...always gives it away.

I feel as if maybe I just need to find the job first, move, and see who I can find once I arrive. Maybe that's the only way to accomplish these two goals that don't really seem to go together. Tom, my last boyfriend, wanted out of the city. We'd looked at lots outside the city and tried to decide how far out we could go where he could still make it to work. If we had gotten married, all of that would have happened for me. And he would have taken care of me and given me everything I ever wanted. But I didn't want him to, and it got to a point where I hated even looking at him. So he had to go - and so did my dreams of that one man I'd found who wanted out as badly as I do.

Then I started dating Troy. This is where Goal #2 comes in. I wasn't looking for him. I wasn't looking for anyone at all to date. I was happy trying to nurse my wounds from the breakup with Tom and hadn't planned on trying to meet anyone. I've known Troy for many, many years, so it wasn't unusual that we started talking about car club stuff one night at the meeting. It just sort of happened. And my Groove Recovery Project was scrapped, in a matter of 2 weeks, because I'd found the next one.

At this point, I am hoping he will be the last one. I am so in love, and so happy, and yet so scared of him leaving me because I'm a neurotic nutjob with so many flaws. His new job is not helping but, again, that's a story for another time. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Before, there was always that "but" when I was with someone. Hell, you read all that shit about my ex-husband last post. Even Tom had problems I thought I didn't want to deal with. Troy - none of that exists. Every "flaw" he has is something I know I can live with. I don't even consider them flaws; they're 'endearing quirks.'

I've had a few dreams I've wanted to accomplish in life, and I've let men derail them. I've never been resentful - it was my decision - but although I want so desperately to move out of Houston, I feel like I may be able to handle it, so long as I was happy in other ways. I could be with Troy and be happy here. He makes it worth it.

I'm not getting any younger. The reality is that I will have a very hard time finding a teaching position in a small town anywhere in this state. People die or retire in those positions. The longer I've been teaching, the higher my salary. Most small towns are in a financial crunch with educational funds, and they don't want to spend it on a new hire. Anyway, the point is that, even if I find a new industry, it's possible things won't work out and I may still end up back here. It's a serious gamble. It would also require leaving the person I consider the love of my life and, hopefully, the last man I'll ever date.

My plan from here on out is to keep looking for a new job, but something local. I have more opportunities here, anyway. (so how sad is it that i still cant find work?) If things don't work out with Troy, then I'll continue on with the plan of starting over somewhere else - to find that small town without a 24-hour WalMart - and see what kind of life I can make for myself there, although it might be a lonely one for awhile. But that's okay. Isn't that kind of the point of wanting to live out in the middle of nowhere?

As bad as that yearning to live in the country may be, the yearning I have to spend the rest of my life with the man that so perfectly fits is so much stronger. I'd give up practically anything to make that work. And if I have to put the country dream on hold forever, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the sake of finding true, lasting love. And if I accomplish that goal, that is something you can never regret.