White Flag

I very clearly can't stick to the 30 Days of Truth. I wanted to. I lack the motivation or the narcissism or the adherence to the topics presented as opposed to topics I choose. I don't know. I suck.

But fear not. I'm here to suck about something else. I give up. I give up on trying to get Troy to talk to me about us, about anything of depth, and of his company. I give up trying to be open and direct, telling him exactly what it is I need from him so there is no misinterpretation or expectations of mind-reading. I give up being available for him all the time when he can't do the same for me (i don't care if it's a job constraint or not - it's still a valid reason). I give up being so emotionally attached to a man who says "thank you" when I say "I love you."

Dude, if you don't know after 10 months whether or not you love me, the answer is "you don't." And, also, Dude, if you do love me and your foolish pride is preventing you from saying it, then you get the same 'fuck you' for being a goddamned idiot. If I haven't proven to you already that I'm not going to hurt you, cheat on you, leave you, or lie to you and that's what's keeping you from saying it, then I'm done wasting my time when you so clearly have trust issues that my undying devotion hasn't managed to break down.

If you can't or won't do little things to make me feel appreciated - like I've talked to you about more than once - then it's only because you don't want to, not because you've "forgotten" or it's just "not in your nature." No. Fuck that. Men remember what women need if they care enough to remember it. There are no flowers, there are no unprompted texts, there are no emails.

Yes, honey, I am well aware of all the things you do for me that no other man has or would do. And I've shown excessive appreciation for those things, up to and including sexual favors of your choice. Oh, by the way, what I said last time...it still stands: no more sucky-sucky because you have not and won't do the same for me.

The hardest part of this is that I love you more than I know how to express. Except for your refusal to open up and make me feel appreciated and your lack of freakiness in the bedroom, you're everything I've ever wanted. Leaving you will be the hardest thing I've ever done and, trust me, I don't want to have to do it.

(God help me for this...) Ke$ha said it best when she said, "We are who we are." You're not going to spontaneously become emotive just because it's what I need from you, and I'm not just going to magically become happy with our relationship all the time when you don't give me what I need.

I try to be everything you need from me. I don't see the same. Because of that, I'm throwing up my white flag. I give up. I'm done. I surrender. This has been a long, involved battle that I can never win. So, I'm finished.

Now...when do I tell YOU that?