White Flag

I very clearly can't stick to the 30 Days of Truth. I wanted to. I lack the motivation or the narcissism or the adherence to the topics presented as opposed to topics I choose. I don't know. I suck.

But fear not. I'm here to suck about something else. I give up. I give up on trying to get Troy to talk to me about us, about anything of depth, and of his company. I give up trying to be open and direct, telling him exactly what it is I need from him so there is no misinterpretation or expectations of mind-reading. I give up being available for him all the time when he can't do the same for me (i don't care if it's a job constraint or not - it's still a valid reason). I give up being so emotionally attached to a man who says "thank you" when I say "I love you."

Dude, if you don't know after 10 months whether or not you love me, the answer is "you don't." And, also, Dude, if you do love me and your foolish pride is preventing you from saying it, then you get the same 'fuck you' for being a goddamned idiot. If I haven't proven to you already that I'm not going to hurt you, cheat on you, leave you, or lie to you and that's what's keeping you from saying it, then I'm done wasting my time when you so clearly have trust issues that my undying devotion hasn't managed to break down.

If you can't or won't do little things to make me feel appreciated - like I've talked to you about more than once - then it's only because you don't want to, not because you've "forgotten" or it's just "not in your nature." No. Fuck that. Men remember what women need if they care enough to remember it. There are no flowers, there are no unprompted texts, there are no emails.

Yes, honey, I am well aware of all the things you do for me that no other man has or would do. And I've shown excessive appreciation for those things, up to and including sexual favors of your choice. Oh, by the way, what I said last time...it still stands: no more sucky-sucky because you have not and won't do the same for me.

The hardest part of this is that I love you more than I know how to express. Except for your refusal to open up and make me feel appreciated and your lack of freakiness in the bedroom, you're everything I've ever wanted. Leaving you will be the hardest thing I've ever done and, trust me, I don't want to have to do it.

(God help me for this...) Ke$ha said it best when she said, "We are who we are." You're not going to spontaneously become emotive just because it's what I need from you, and I'm not just going to magically become happy with our relationship all the time when you don't give me what I need.

I try to be everything you need from me. I don't see the same. Because of that, I'm throwing up my white flag. I give up. I'm done. I surrender. This has been a long, involved battle that I can never win. So, I'm finished.

Now...when do I tell YOU that?

Entrepreneurship

I'm about to dive into a new endeavor headfirst. I have very little knowledge of what I'm doing and, despite much research on the Internet, by phone, and through library books, I feel as if I'm totally blindfolded. All I know is that I have to make this work - somehow.

My boyfriend owns a landscape company. He's been running it since the mid-90's. He's gone back and forth between landscaping and lawn care, running crews, doing it alone, just mowing lawns, and back again. He's a very hard worker, but he's burnt out.

A few years ago, he took a job with an offshore oil drilling company. He thought it would be the same amount of hard physical work, but would net him much more of an income. His plan was to phase out of business and transition his clients to a new provider. He sold off some accounts to another guy and he continued to work his remaining accounts when he was off during his 1-week rotations. Without warning, the drilling company went under, and so he came back home and started building the business again.

He began making headway, rebuilding much of what was lost, making great strides in growth. Considering he has a marketing degree, you'd think it would come easily. There was a slight boom when he first got back and, over the last few years, he says he's seen very little positives. When he really started racing cars, his hobbies cost him a hell of a lot more than he was making. Admittedly, his mother helped him with a lot of bills.

So, he did what any guy would do; found another job like he did before. Easy, right?

Back to the oil industry he went (stupid gulf coast boom market). The rules were a little different this time, as he's a 37 year old trying to start at the bottom and work his way up, doing the same job as all the 21 year old colleagues. Since it's the winter, his lawn business is super-slow (plus, we've had, like, NO rain), so during his 2-week rotation, he works a bit too. Primarily, his job consists of raking leaves and pine needles right now. (i'm such a good girlfriend - since i'm off right now too, i went to work with him a few days and helped do all that bullshit!) Okay, it wasn't really just to spend time with him and help him out. I wanted to see what a typical day was like. Shadowing him during his workday, seeing how he operates, helps me figure out exactly what he deals with. I get to really understand how he's been spending his work time over the last 12 years I've known him.

Then I got an idea: Why not partner with him and keep all his hard work from dissolving just because he's offshore? Maybe with a new vision, a new perspective, and a new brain, things could change for the better. All the things he claims are keeping him from making enough money, maybe it just needs a different view to help fix it. There are a ton of illegals with broke-down trucks as competition, sure, but we need to find the edge and run with it.

I know why I, myself, would pay an extra $5 or $10 a month to have someone like Troy do my yard as opposed to Paco and his ICE-magnet crew. That's not meant to be racist; that's just the reality of the industry down here. Your current yard service may not show up next week because they've been deported. That's not really an issue with a law-abiding, detail-oriented, customer-friendly guy.

I've gotten a couple of business owners to agree to help me. I've been looking at the SBA site, as well as resources for women-owned businesses, and so on. I think he's at a point where he's willing to let the whole thing fall apart but, at the same time, he's threatening to quit his current drilling job if they won't change his scheduled rotation to one that will allow him to hit all the major races (pretty bold for a guy who's been there only 1.5 months).

Anyway, I'm still toying around with this idea. I'm scared that I won't be able to do anything to help. I'm scared that I'm going to starve myself of sleep, probably spend a bit more money than I can afford, find myself emotionally invested in this company, and then have it continue to fail despite my best efforts.

Or, worse, Troy will decide he won't let me work on this at all, after all.

But, see, it's a very selfish thing for me to do. I have an ulterior motive. If I can help rebuild this company, maybe he could find a different job to supplement his income if he wanted, and one where he wouldn't have to be offshore for 2 weeks at a time and basically spend half his life on an isolated floating piece of hell. That would mean that he would be here with me. And, while I couldn't quit my job (even though I may get fired! LOL!), I could still devote a lot of time to the landscape endeavor and we could work as a team.

It just kills me to see him lose heart. He's burnt out and, as a result, he hasn't been motivated to do much. I know how much it sucks to be in a job you hate but he's never said he hates it; just that it doesn't provide the income he needs anymore to do what he wants. My father owned his own businesses for the majority of my life. It was hard work and worried him half to death most times, but it afforded us the opportunities for so many things we never would have had otherwise. It drives me crazy to think about all the hard work he put into this company for it to just fall apart.

I love Troy with all of my heart. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Not only do I want him around, but I want him happy, successful, and fulfilled. I will support him in anything he chooses to do, but I'm hoping I can renew his interest in his own company. I have all these stupid daydreams about us working, side by side, to turn his business back into something that's profitable, thriving, and something to be enthusiastic about.

I was a member of Junior Achievement in middle school. I don't remember much of it at all, only that everyone told me it was good to be involved in it, although I don't recall getting an iota of information out of it. So here's my attempt at entrepreneurship. Wish me luck.

F*ck You (taking a break from 30DoT)

You rotten, bitter fucking cunt:

How DARE you make me question my professionalism, my dedication, and my effectiveness. How DARE you try to belittle me, intimidate me, and manipulate my mind. How DARE you have me escorted out of MY SCHOOL like a criminal, as a way to try to intimidate me. I'm not weak, I'm just biding my time and documenting every mistake you make. Putting me on leave for my stress level being too high? Because another employee decided to retaliate and lie about a suicide threat that was never made? You don't know shit about me. You've never even tried to. So fuck you and your disgusting self, inside and out.

"Dear Ms A:
I have really appreciated having you as a teacher. I'm disappointed to know you're leaving soon to go to our rival school! Since I have been knowing you, you have always had something special to show or tell. Thanks for being a great teacher, leader, and mother away from home. Thank you for trying to make me a better person.
Sincerely, Sean J."

"Dear Ms A:
It has been great knowing you. I thank you for coming to our class and, yes, after all of that BS, I did end up learning! You are a very, very great teacher, and I thank you for that. Have a great summer. I will try to come visit you next year. I hope your kids will be better and easier next year. And yes, Shakespeare rocks!
Thanks, Barbara I."

"Ms A: Thanks for teaching me! Keep this and let the time pass and this paper will get older and yellow and it will be better!
~ Roxy C."

"Ms. A: Thank you for being such an awesome teacher! Merry Christmas!
- Bria A."

"Dear Mr. S: [our superintendent] A big problem at our school is security. My teacher, Ms. A, is having to do all the work catching these random people walking around. It really doesn't make sense. She's the only one checking to see if people have IDs. Even the two cops wandering around picking there nose and there not even checking people without IDs. To prove this, I watched Ms A in the hallway all day except 5th period. This should be fixed. What if she gets hurt?
- Carlos L."

"Dear Mr. H [principal]: Lucky for me I get to come in Ms. A's class after lunch and she always says stuff that keeps her whole class laughing and being active instead of slouching in your chair wishing the class was over with. She keeps me going right up until I get home even though I can't stand the class after hers.
- Destiny J."

"Ms. A: I took your advice, which was to write what your thinking about in the morning to get all the junk out of your head. Although instead of doing it in the morning, I do it at night because whether I take a nap or not I have a hard time sleeping. So, Ms A, thanks for the advice. I really and truely love writting stories for you to read. Honestly writting to you helps me express my feelings and get things out of my head. You remind me so much of my oldest sister. She's 21. The way you seem when you teach us, your so cool and educated and best of all youre interested in what we have to say. So thank you.
- Destiny J."

"Ms. A: I love going to your class because you are constantly making us write QuickWrites. The QuickWrites, I think, help me get improved on my writing skills. I wanted to say thanks for helping me in the present and for the future. I like yur class because you talk about things that have happened to you that are sometimes funny.
Thanks, Frank O."

"Ms. A: I'm very sorry about what happened to your grandmother. It worried me because that also happened to me recently. I'm glad you're back and I'm glad you're okay. Because that makes you a strong person. You're a really cool teacher. That's why your 3rd period class likes you so much!
Your student, Maggie S."

"Dear Ms. A: I appreciate the fact that you have taken your time to teach me everything I need to know in order to pass my final (at the end of the school year). Thank you for being a nice and helpful and fun teacher. Well, you have been a great teacher, I appreciate all of your help, and I hope that I can improve my grades in the future.
Giving thanks, Jennifer F."

"Ms. A: Hey Miss!! I really want to tank you for a great 9th grade year. You're a really great teacher and I'm going to miss you with all my heart. I know I haven't been the best straight A student for you, and I didn't really do all my work, but I promise you that I'm going to do the best I can in 10th grade. I won't let you down. I'll be a better student from now on. You'll see! Thanx again, Miss. I'll miss you. Love ya!
~ Stefanie Z"

"Dear Ms. A: You are my favorite teacher because your way of teaching is really different from every other teacher. You make the class interesting and you don't focus all the time in being perfect "class form." The way you teach is like the time you taught us about tough love. Your strict but because you're right. People don't listen to simple instructions when teacher have to tell them again and again and it gets more retarded each time! Another thing is when I found out you really liked cars, mechanics, and all that stuff. I'm completely obsessed with cars and it was a really nice surprise to find a lady that did too! most of the time I felt a little weird for having so much passion for cars, but after you showed the same thoughts, I got a lot more confidence. I want to thank you so much and tell you that no matter what other people say about you being mean, you'll always be one of my favorite teachers.
Sincerely, Jasmin A."

"Dear Ms. A: I am writing you this quick note just to let you know that you are the best teacher I have ever had. You are a nice, caring, helpful, and respectful person. You are understandable and actually think the way we do. The best thing is that you're realistic. Thank you for everything you do and don't worry if you have a child you'll be the best mother in the world!
Sincerely, Jacqueline T."

"Dear Ms. A: I'm taking time out of my day to tell you how great of a teacher you are and if I had the choice, I would let you be my PreAP teacher for as long as I stay in school. You have inspired me to be a much better student and person. I am absolutely grateful to have had the chance to be in your class. There is no chance of their ever being another teacher who will influence me the way you have and so I must thank you for such a wonderful experience, and the year is only halfway over! This has been the best year of school for me just because of you. I hope you had time to read this and if so thank you for everything.
From your biggest fan, Paris H."

"Dear Ms. A: Thank you for being a good teacher and an honest one too. Thanks for not putting up with all the BS and entertaining us with your life stories. I miss you.
Sincerely, Jennifer F."

"Ms. A: You are one of my favorite teachers. I started out tough I know but when I grew to know you I got better. I know sometimes we drive you crazy but you are still a good teacher. I love being in your class. Thanx alot
Love, Brandee B."

"Ms. A: Thanks for everything! Thanks bunches!
From Cici W., Arianna B., Deejay A., and Chris Y. and the rest of 4B"
"Hey Ms. A: I don't know exactly what we're supposed to put in a suggestion box, but I just wanted to say how much I appreciate you being you. I love this class and not because of the people in it. You really are one of my favorite teachers and I've learned a lot in this class. Good luck with everything and remember what you told us: Don't give up and keep trying. Remember that and you should give teaching as well as other things in life another chance!
Love always, Jasmine W."

"Dear Ms. A: I have to say I truly enjoy your life stories. You have a very exciting and full life. I know that's probably not the way you see it, but it's true. Thank you for reviewing everything because now I understand it a lot more.
- Wintress C."

"Hey Ms. A! I just wanted to say you are a great teacher and person. I hope you have a great day today!
Love Rosy A."

"Dear Ms. A: Happy Teacher's Day! Every teacher pretty much tells us the same thing about getting involved and taking control of our education but you make it not so scary. I guess you make us feel like it's okay and easy because you've been in our place before. There are lots of other things you do, but that's the main reason I appreciate you. You also make it easy because even though you stress things to us and the importance of them, you do it in a way that doesn't seem to belittle us. It's hard to explain but very appreciated.
- Bria R."

Now, you raunchy troll of an androgynous blob, would you like to say all of those mean and degrading things again? Some were written years after I had those kids. Some were written during the year. Whatever. These notes don't even touch on how many kids come back to my room, begging to have me as a teacher again, begging me to switch grade levels. I am NOT a bad teacher. I am NOT intolerant. I'm strict. I'm consistent. I provide structure these students have nowhere else in their lives - and they APPRECIATE ME FOR IT.

Sure, I still hate 90% of them, but I'm professional enough and fair enough so that they never, ever, ever know it. Because that's what GOOD TEACHERS do.

You know the old saying: "Those who can, teach. Those who can't, become administrators." Take that to heart, because everyone in this building and at the teachers' associations knows that about you too. Have you noticed you haven't been in power at any school for longer than 3 years? There's a reason for that, you nasty-ass, rude and hateful little bitch.

And that's all there is to say about that. Oh, except "Fuck you."