Dealing With Disappointment

My last post was all about the struggle of trying to get hired. This post...is about NOT getting hired.

Right now, I have 2 - let's make that 1 - "dream" job with an open application. The one I just lost out on was a perfect fit, or so I thought. It's really hard to deal with employment rejection, especially when you know you're perfectly qualified for the position. That's exactly what happened in this case, and I took it really hard.

It was an entry-level position, so I wasn't looking for anything too specialized. It was in a location that not many people would find hospitable or fun, but I spent a lot of summers there and it's been my dream to live there. I was going to be doing fieldwork that is a passion, and I honestly believed I had a chance. That's probably why it stings so much.

The agency accepts all of its applications through an online system - it's a little buggy - so I even followed up to make sure they received them. Which they didn't. One document was missing, so the office manager asked me to email it to her directly, even acknowledging that the system has its downfalls.

With it being a branch of a government entity, the wheels move slowly. I wasn't surprised to see, 30 days later, that my application was still "under review." But I emailed the nice lady and asked her if they needed any additional information from me or whatever. She said no, but that her boss had been busy with other things and they'd be looking to interview soon. I expressed my anticipation, mentioning that my lease was almost up and I had begun packing to move on to my next adventure anyway, that I was ready to be there as soon as they needed me if they chose me.

I was excited. I started preparing for the call and even making plans to travel the 9+ hours to the location if I had to. I told everyone how excited I was at the probability of getting an interview and trying to work out logistics for moving an entire freaking house, a storage unit, 3 dogs, and 3 cars.

And then I got the standard rejection form-letter email.

(Note: I am REALLY happy I GOT an email, considering that doesn't usually happen, I just wish it had been a notice of advancement through the system)

(Let me also add in that, in their system, an applicant can see all the jobs for which they've applied - they never drop off - AND, so can all the potential employers. So they get to see how many of them I've applied for, what they were, and the mounting number of 'not hired's on my list)

I cried. I got angry. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I just drank a bottle of wine instead. The guy from a few posts ago - oh, we'll get into that one next time - tried to make me feel better but it just wasn't helping and I was crying too much for it to be a good thing for either of us, so I didn't talk to him long.

Knowing that I qualified for the job above what their requirements were, well, it shook me. My self-confidence dropped even lower than it already was, I am second-guessing everything I do, write, or say in regards to employment stuff and - why lie about it? - I feel like the biggest failure and a total waste of space.

I was so upset, it had me tossing around some pretty ridiculous ideas.

While the title may have suggested that I was going to offer some advice in this post, I am not. I have none. I am still just as upset now as I was 5 minutes after I read the email (for the 3rd time) and really understood what it was saying. 

I'm lost and drifting, and the only thing I have going for me is clinging onto a minute chunk of hope that this other job - in the same basic location but with a totally different organization - may pan out. 

Because I can't seem to make anything come together, I am...
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Hypocritical Employers: Why Are Candidates Treated Like This?

I've been looking for the "perfect" job since I graduated. That's been almost 2 years now. In that time, I've become bitter, angry, knocked down to rock bottom, and have essentially lost all self-esteem, which has caused me - basically - an existential crisis, wondering exactly what in the hell is wrong with me, when I know damned well I'm a good employee with a solid resume and references.

95% of the organizations I apply to - due to my career choice - has a total staff of fewer than 50 people. There aren't just a ton of people who qualify for these positions. I know many professionals in the industry and they've given me insider info about how the operations work. Keep that in mind. 

I've discussed a few things here: timeline, networking, discrimination, and hiring practices. Feel free to jump around.

The timeline of events:

1. Locate the dream position. Print out description and instructions. ID keywords, skills, etc. and notate my qualifications for each. Try to ID my measurable outcomes (hard for this career path).
2. Research the organization or company to better understand their mission, reputation, etc.
3. Research the location. Will the proposed salary be enough to pay for living in that area? Will my auto insurance rate change? Scrutinize rent and all other expenses.
4. Review resume and customize to highlight all of the employer's desires
5. Craft a cover letter that presents me in an authentic light, addressing the specific needs of the organization. Try in vain to locate specific information such as contact name, address, etc. although that's not usually given.
6. Fill out the lengthy required online application, including all job and education history, references, additional personal info, demo surveys, various authorizations, and upload all docs that basically reiterate everything I just entered. Send it off into the ether.
7. Clip the printed out info to my board so I can review all the notes I made, and scribble "done" in big letters across it.
8. Fill in the info into a chart on my whiteboard so I can track everything.

Okay. So I applied. I'm not going to complain about the amount of time it took to do all of that because a company invests a lot of time and money into employment. So what's next?

1. I may get an email confirming receipt of my application and documents. Probably not. If I applied through an applicant tracker, my status will update to show "submitted."
2. Wait.
3. Monitor my board carefully, updating info, and taking action accordingly.
4. Wait some more, because nobody has said a word to me.
5. Electronically follow up with potential employers after a week if submitted through email or website that doesn't give status updates, since phone calls are either impossible or discouraged.
6. Check the status of positions through the app tracker, if available, usually only to see a status that says "processing." 

So. I applied, typically heard absolutely zero back, followed-up for the first personal contact...now what?

1. Check the websites or job boards to see if the job is still posted, or if has been reposted in the case of a closing date.
2. Through an app tracker, continue checking for updates. If you're not chosen, it'll simply show "not hired" or something similar. That's the only way you'll know.
3. Continue waiting. If I'm lucky, I'll get a response to my first follow-up but that's usually not the case.
4. Check for any follow-up replies, which go one of two ways: "We have yet to review applications" / "We have yet to schedule interviews" or "The position has been filled."
5. In the case of the position having been filled, sometimes I will reply to them, asking them what would make me a more viable candidate in the future. More training? Experience? Yes, perhaps I'm trying to trick them into telling me something that proves discrimination (more on that later) although I know they're too smart for that. However, feedback from them answering those questions would be greatly beneficial for me. For example, I've only received 2 answers, and that was via phone. One after application only and one after an interview. "We went with someone more qualified." For THAT position, I'd love to see who that was because I was a shoo-in for it. To the letter. In the second case, they reposted the job 3 weeks later and ignored me when I re-applied.
6. Remove filled positions from my info board. Update the others.

So now we're looking at ~2 weeks out. Most of the employers have made zero contact with me. Most of those have no way of notifying about job or application status without personal contact. So I'm sitting there, swinging in the wind, clueless about what's going on. With some public sector jobs, the process can drag out for months, so updates are kind of important.

My job-tracker whiteboard

Basically, I just apply for jobs and then sit around with literally no idea what's going on. Currently, I have 2 that are literal dream jobs and I know nothing of my status with them. Do I give up or what? If they're picking interviewees this week, maybe I should schedule an interview with a competing position AFTER I hear from my dream job, in case I'm extended an offer. But what if I accept the lesser position first because I have no idea I'm about to get that call? Even worse, what if it comes 3 weeks later and I've already moved to a different location for a job I didn't really want?

My cover letters and resumes have been checked over, overhauled, and written multiple times by people both in the industry and people who just do resume stuff for a living. We worked together on it so I know what I should be writing, how to word it, and how to pass the automated scanners.

On networking:

I'm in an industry where networking is very valuable. It's a relatively small circle and we all know each other somehow. I've done extensive, quality volunteer work with several organizations and those coordinators are always telling me they'll help me. I'm a member of all the right professional associations and have made contacts through those. I use them as references, we speak often for both personal and professional reasons, and we have good relationships. 

They always tell me they'll use their resources as well to let me know about upcoming jobs, perhaps before they're even posted, and will drop my name before I even apply. They seem sincere. Do they do it? No. I keep them updated on my job search status and whatnot, but they say one thing to my face and then do absolutely nothing.

I have burned no bridges, I have been nothing less than professional. I have always been careful with social media, and have done multiple audits of accounts to make sure they're appropriate. I don't think there's anyone gunning for me and I can't imagine why anyone would. I've never done anything unbecoming, rude, or wrong. My criminal record is non-existent.

I'm not a name-dropper, but I will lead potential employers into asking me who it is I know at XYZ Organization, and then I lay it on them.

I can only assume people are flaky assholes. I'd never do that to someone - I haven't ever - and I can't understand why it's happening to me.

On discrimination:

I went back to school as a non-traditional student, as far as age goes, in order to get additional education for this career. My class peers were definitely younger than me, but since I had already done the college thing once, I performed better academically and had better communication (and respect) from my professors.

Upon graduation, my peers had either already secured a job or were employed within a couple of months of graduation. Me? Radio silence.

Let's look at this a second. Exact same classes. My GPA is higher. I have the same volunteer experience, plus some more. A couple did a summer internship; I couldn't do that for a few reasons. I have previous work history showcasing my dedication, competence, and achievements. But...nothing.

"Are they rejecting me because of my age? I mean, the salary is set; it's not like I can negotiate it, really. Plus, I'm starting out at the ground floor with this career too, just like the rest of them."

Since my previous degree was clearly giving away my age, I deleted it. It was sometimes necessary to establish the track record of skills but I can almost always work around it in other ways and still be honest. Well, I have no idea if it's fooled them into anything or not. I still have to fill out all the background check authorizations, where I have to list all my information. My birthdate's on there. As well as on many other documents.

That is literally the only difference between Them and Me. The ONLY one.

On veteran's preference, interns, and volunteers:

Interns and volunteers are doing the jobs I should have, but they're doing it poorly. I can show you the handsful of examples of volunteers and interns who have done projects that should be done by educated professionals specializing in that field instead because they've gone horribly wrong and have required a redo. But I guess they're more willing to get free labor - even if they're not adequately skilled and/or can't follow basic guidance (or aren't getting it) for the work needed to be done - instead of paying 2 or 3 people with the proper education to do it right the first time, in less time, with less supervision, less materials, and less trainings.

Veterans...ugh. This is going to sound awful and I'm sorry. I have a veteran in my life whom I love more than anything, but the leg up that person has is an unfair one. Just because someone used to be in the military doesn't mean they need help to get a job through mandates. Quite the opposite, I've found. Before that became A Thing, I knew many vets who obtained higher-ranking positions in the workforce than a civilian would simply due to their status in the service, because employers like proven leaders. That's fine. If the position needs a leader, then more power to them. I've seen the potential there.

However. 

We'll call this person "Pat." Pat is a vet. A decade in the military, honorable discharge, small percentage disabled. Pat is the same age I am, has less prior education, no real-world knowledge of how the particular organizations function, a comparable GPA, no volunteer experience, and no experience with any of the skills required for this one job category I've been applying to as well.

Pat got hired immediately with literally NO experience in the duties required AND the most pathetically short PHONE INTERVIEWS possible. Me? Nothing. There hasn't been just a ton of jobs under that heading, so we were (are) competing for the same ones. Pat ends up getting the desired positions, whereas I get ignored entirely. 

On paper, I was a much more qualified candidate. I've compared our resumes and cover letters and everything. Minus the military service and my extra qualifications, they're comparable - obviously, because we took the same classes! I should have been extended those interviews. Pat and I are close, so we discuss the specifics of this veteran phenomenon quite a bit. I'm honest about how I feel and Pat says I'm likely correct in my suspicions. How else do you explain it? I can't even make the cut for an interview and Pat gets one where it's usually about 15 minutes worth of BSing. I've sat through 2 of them and listened through the speakerphone so, yes, I know what Pat's interviews were like. 

Conclusions:

I'm just fucked. I've been treated horribly unprofessionally by potential employers and it seems to be perfectly acceptable these days, across industries. It's disgusting. It takes MAYBE 10 minutes to filter applications and send a generic mass email updating candidates that interviews have concluded and a candidate was chosen. I know, because I've done it. Manually. 

I feel hopeless. I've been relying on a couple of other people to help me make it through life while being unemployed and it's bullshit. I'm essentially a freeloader, and I have zero self-esteem. With no health insurance, I've had to stop taking my needed medications, causing my health to suffer. I struggle with money and go without things I really do need and often risk serious repercussions for doing so, such as not being able to afford the inspection and registration on my vehicle. I've dropped services or whittled them down to the most basic I can. I've sold things way below what I should have, just because I was desperate and overdrawn - again. My social life is non-existent now because I can't ever go anywhere or do anything with my friends. In fact, most of my so-called friends and I don't even talk anymore. They've dumped me. My dogs' healthcare is spotty because even heartworm preventative is expensive and vet visits suck (but i'm not getting rid of my best friend of 10 years. sorry).

I've tried getting jobs at places like AutoZone, Lowe's, etc and even THEY won't hire me and, I quote, "you're overqualified, we can't pay you what you should deserve and, as soon as you find a job with better pay, you're going to leave anyway." That was face to face, and I didn't think to on-the-sly record it (that's legal in my state). And that's IF I can find a place willing to hire full-time. It's a rarity because they don't want to have to pay benefits.

My mother was a hiring manager for 20+ years in retail until she retired 2 years ago. I know what they look for, what to say, what to do, and how to go about it all. Yet, there you go. Nothing.

My confidence is shot. I have very bad thoughts go through my head quite often. I mean, 2 years. I'm worthless - especially in the eyes of potential employers. I literally have no future. My savings is depleted, my CDs and money markets cashed out, I can't continue to save because I have, like, NO income. I'll never be able to retire, I have no nest egg; there will be no happy ending here.

Just like my bank account, I am...

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When the "Right Time" STILL Isn't Right

When I bought my first new car, I wanted an alarm installed because of where I lived. Terrible, terrible neighborhood. My dad sent me over to a friend of his who owns a pretty swanky shop that does all kinds of high-end installs of car electronics. I definitely didn't fit in there, even with my brand new vehicle.

Dad's friend. Jesus. I don't know how they met but - holy shit - is one of those people who is so charismatic and captivating that you can't stop thinking about them. The fact that he's drop-dead gorgeous didn't hurt any. We became friendly. The flirting got so heavy that one of his workers excused himself from the office, saying it made him feel "awkward and uncomfortable to witness the closest thing possible to verbal sex."

The sexual tension was a tangible sensation, stretching from my chair, across his desk and right into his lap. Even now, when I pull up the emotional file in my brain that outlines every single response I had as I regarded his lingering glance, my chest becomes a little tight and I feel anxious.

I knew he was married. So was I. I knew he had a kid. I didn't care. He didn't either. At first. 

(sidenote: I had never even thought about cheating in a marriage. In fact, I couldn't even remember for sure if I was married during this whole thing bc it's SO unlike me, but the timing of the car solidifies it. And I never connected with another man throughout the remainder of my marriage either. The jackass didn't deserve my faithfulness, but I gave it to him anyway.)

Before things went too far, he just kinda disappeared. I didn't give chase because I knew I was fucking up too. The emotional affair lasted less than a year but here it is, 15 years later, and I still feel the exact same way when I think about him.

He found me on social media about 6 months ago. It started the same way they always do through that medium: "innocent enough." I am not even going to lie and say that, when I saw his company name pop up on my screen, my stomach didn't flip over, deflate, and then right itself, quivering. Every comment, every DM was carefully constructed to suggest interest, but not too much, with a hint of arrogance, but not too much. I wasn't exactly trying to get him hooked, but I was. And I did.

When we moved it to text, I got that familiar feeling when his name came up in my messages. His actual phone. The same one he's had all along. The same one I thought about texting over and over throughout the years. This guy never left my head. I mean, every time I get in my car I have to turn off the alarm, so it's not like I was going to forget about that.

But he's still married. His kid is off to college at the end of this school year. The plan is that she's going to leave after the kid graduates high school. I don't know if she's aware of this or not.

The situation with them is simple. He was married, he cheated. She got pregnant, wife divorced him. Because of his background, he refused to let the kid grow up without both parents there in the same house. He got married to the Other. They've been together this whole time. It's been good, it's been great, it's been terrible, but mostly just not good, he says. He told me he learned his lesson the first time, which is why he's remained faithful this whole time until I came back into his life.

He figured I'd forgotten all about him; wondered why I didn't get back in touch to catch up. And now he sees a light at the end of the tunnel, and he wanted to see if we still have it.

We do. If it's so incredibly intense and we're holding back, I can't imagine what it would be like otherwise.

I see him again for the first time in 15 years tomorrow night. I'm scared shitless. I don't know why. I NEVER get nervous. Usually, I'm like a "chew em up and spit em out" kind of person. This one? I don't know. We've both changed and grown and, apparently, regressed. But I'm just as eager to drop his jaw this time as I was before, and I have no idea why.

When I was younger (and I mean much, much younger), it was almost a game to see if I could get the married guy to leave his wife for me. If wives knew how easy it really is, everyone would be paranoid. With this guy, though, it was different. Maybe because I was married myself, maybe because it's hard enough to work an affair around one schedule and 2 would be even harder? Maybe because I was pretty sure I was going to lose.

I'm not sure I want to get started with this until Kid is fully out of the house. I mean, I'm no stranger to Spousal Confrontation and although I'm out of practice, I'm still a pro and I can't be caught off guard anymore, but it'll be more of a problem for him than it ever would be for me. And he really doesn't need the stress or the ruin of the life he's worked so hard to build for him and the kid. Hell, even SHE didn't have to work for almost the entirety of the time we've not spoken.

Nevertheless, I've been instructed to wear a dress - which I don't really do - and plans are still TBD, but I can't sleep right, I can't think straight, I'm freaking out about my weight and my hair and absolutely everything. 

Over a guy I need to put on pause until June, if not forever.

But those smoldering eyes...they just pierce me in all the right places. Smoldering is about right. I see things crashing and burning pretty quickly after takeoff. That's when most of the accidents happen, right? 

Obviously I make the same mistakes again just to make sure they're still wrong, which makes me...
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