My best friend Marco, and I've talked about him before but who knows what is fake name was last time, has 7 children. Trying to name them all is like naming off the Seven Dwarves: you always miss one. And, like he has any right to be, he gets pissed about it! In addition, he gave them all a theme with the names. It was a trend he started with his first wife (mom to the 2 oldest), and somehow managed to steamroll his current wife (mom to the 5 others) into following along with. Obviously, all the names (and genders of children) in this blog have been changed to protect the innocent AND the guilty. Let's see if I can do this under pressure:
- Ariel
- Caleb
- Bo
- Harry
- Connor
- Ashley
- Muriel
Of course, it's kind of cheating, because I was looking at family pictures on the mom's blog for half the morning. So, whatever. At least I didn't leave one out this time like I always do!
So, with 9 mouths to feed, income is a pretty big issue. Mom is a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, which is only logical in this situation. I shudder to think at childcare costs, even with several being school-aged. There have been times where their family has had to rely solely on their church to help them through rough patches. There have been many times where they've begged friends to give them items that they need to live. Many times, they have resorted to food stamps and, by his own confession, eaten better than they would have normally. And I also take issue with the fact that they're strapped for cash but he still smokes over a pack a day and goes out drinking about 2 nights a week.
I'm judgmental and not a big fan of people I like to call "breeders." Marco, he's a breeder. He's like Johnny Fucking Appleseed, spreading his seed to populate the earth. Please understand, Marco is now 38, and I've known him since he was 16. He was NOT like this back then, I assure you. But he's been a really good friend most times. After Kid #2 was born, he had a personal crisis, then I had one, and he abandoned me, more or less. We didn't speak for a few years - long enough for him to get married and shit out a couple more kids. But we made up. He knows me better than just about anyone else and will go out of his way to be there for me now. Any time. Ever.
When my friend announced a couple of months ago that Mickee was pregnant - again - I could have literally killed him. There was something wrong from the beginning, however, and the fetus was passed naturally in a delayed menstrual cycle. They were all broken up and really depressed and I was just like, "Really? Your kids look like little white trash hoodlums most times, and you're upset that you're one player short of having your own personal soccer team? I know it sounds cruel, but I can't help it. At some point, common sense needs to override biology, love, or desire. It doesn't make you any less a hoarder, just because they're live people and not cats. Especially when you have a hard time providing for all of them, all the time.
But I digress. Slightly.
Being able to pay for the kids you insist on producing is but one problem, even for those with full-time jobs. Emotionally providing for them has got to be hard too, as there are only so many hours in a day, especially for my friend, who works out of the home. In addition, you can easily tell through the photographs they take that Mommy has her favorite. Which I guess is okay - it's impossible to have a litter of kids and not have a preference, right? (beats me)
Problem is, yesterday afternoon, my buddy was laid off. More than likely, though, fired. Texas being Texas, there's very little recourse any employee has against being fired, short of gross discrimination, and good luck proving that. Marco's good at his job and, at times, arrogant about it, and he rubs a lot of people the wrong way. His ability to get along with others may have a large contribution to his work-related issues. The guy's had more jobs than anyone I've ever met, and has been "laid off" or fired more times than anyone I've ever met.
With 9 mouths to feed.
So, I'm looking through Mickee's photography blog. Cute kids. Happy-looking kids. One of those kids has my heart in so many ways which, in itself, is a very long story to be told another time. They're well-disciplined, well-behaved, polite, and charming kids, if you ever see them in public or all together. They somehow manage to differentiate between play time and behaving time. Get 7 random kids together and see how often that shit happens! But I'm looking through these pictures, at these hopeful faces, and wondering to myself, "What kind of future do these kids really have?" I think about all the weird things they already have to fight against: submissive mom, subcultural alcoholic diabetic dad, so many siblings, times of extreme poverty, ridiculously Maury-esque extended family, homeschooling, hyper-Christian upbringing...
And then I wonder a few other things, like, what impact will that have on their assimilation into a normal society? What's going to happen when the oldest goes off to college (and i will kick her ass if she doesn't find a way to do that)? What's going to happen to the dream of college by the time the youngest one gets old enough to go? Neither parent has a college degree. Not that a college degree is the only way to go, but...I don't know. I just fear for these kids.
I'm disappointed in my friend for doing this. I'm disappointed in his wife for having such low self-esteem and all kinds of other managed-by-medication disorders that she let him do this to her. I try SO HARD to not think about the Andrea Yates case. I want to believe that everything is going to be fantastic and lovely and normal and amazing.
Maybe it's because I'm the product of a single-child family and I know how fucked up I am already, but this just seems wrong to do this to kids. I don't believe they'll have any concept of normalcy. What constitutes normal, anyway? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure none of those kids will experience anything even remotely close to it.
Most of all, I am mad at myself for having these negative, judgmental thoughts, instead of being supportive and happy and full of glee for my friends. I feel like a traitor; a backstabbing bitch. I love both Marco and Mickee. The children are great. I just...have these values and beliefs, and their family situation doesn't follow them. The next question is, should we stay friends? I mean, if you don't believe in the same morals and beliefs, why be friends, right? And do I even deserve to have someone like him as my friend when I am obviously so mean and spiteful in what I think? He would walk through fire for me and would never condemn me for being like him if the roles were reversed. I just don't know. I'm lower than dirt for thinking what I think, but yet I still think I'm right. How does that happen?
Posts
This is an interesting, thoughtful post. I have to admit I have some of the same problems being judgmental of people who choose to have kids they can't afford. I decided not to have kids partly because I worry about overpopulation and I wonder at people who see the earth as just this unlimited source of everything, when it so clearly - to me - isn't. People always say "Well, I may have had the kid who goes on to cure cancer." But really? Not likely. You probably had the kid who rips through the desert on his big ass 4 wheel drive truck and tosses cans out the window.
ReplyDeleteAs far as normal? People come from all kinds of backgrounds and end up all kind of ways. Some miserable jerks come from "perfect" families - everything planned and paid for and educated - and they end up snorting meth in a rundown shack. And other kids from seemingly terrible circumstances end up being doctors. So you never know. You really don't. It falls under the category of "It is what it is" I think.
I agree this IS an interesting, thought provoking post and a bit funny too (if it’s ok to say so). I giggled when you called him a breeder and laughed out loud to the “own personal soccer team” reference. And, calling him a hoarder is a way of looking at it that I had not thought of before, but certainly has merit.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that 7 children are way too many especially if you don’t have a great paying, steady job to support the whole family. I have a friend who is on #6 (I think) and it should be the last since the wife is over 40 now. They are a catholic family and the father has a fantastic job and really can afford them. He graduated from Notre Dame. He is one of the few people I know that can actually provide for such a bunch. However, you still have to ask……do they need to add that many people to the overpopulated world?
I struggle, like you do, with feeling judgmental. But sometimes when I feel strongly about something it is hard for me not to pass judgment. I too get real negative about the overweight, poor people who are smoking, talking on their cell phones and wearing huge gold chains while they stand in line at the soup kitchen. I mean get some priorities and buy food before you buy smokes!
Also, I am certainly prone to negative thoughts. Unfortunately, my negative thoughts tend to pan out in the long run so I like to think I am realistic not pessimistic. Sadly, I think you are right that these kids have a lot of things stacked against them.
As far as your friendship with the “breeder” goes, I think if he always goes out of his way for you and is someone you can count on to be there in your time of need you should hang on to him. Not too many people are that good of a friend. Think of him in that light and don’t think about his poor kids. In the long run it is HIS choice and you can do nothing about it. Focus on YOUR relationship with him and not on all the other aspects of his life. In my life I have very few people I can really count on so I think you should feel lucky to have him.
P.S. - I was once on food stamps and we did eat better than ever!
I agree this IS an interesting, thought provoking post and a bit funny too (if it’s ok to say so). I giggled when you called him a breeder and laughed out loud to the “own personal soccer team” reference. And, calling him a hoarder is a way of looking at it that I had not thought of before, but certainly has merit.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you that 7 children are way too many especially if you don’t have a great paying, steady job to support the whole family. I have a friend who is on #6 (I think) and it should be the last since the wife is over 40 now. They are a catholic family and the father has a fantastic job and really can afford them. He graduated from Notre Dame. He is one of the few people I know that can actually provide for such a bunch. However, you still have to ask……do they need to add that many people to the overpopulated world?
I struggle, like you do, with feeling judgmental. But sometimes when I feel strongly about something it is hard for me not to pass judgment. I too get real negative about the overweight, poor people who are smoking, talking on their cell phones and wearing huge gold chains while they stand in line at the soup kitchen. I mean get some priorities and buy food before you buy smokes!
Also, I am certainly prone to negative thoughts. Unfortunately, my negative thoughts tend to pan out in the long run so I like to think I am realistic not pessimistic. Sadly, I think you are right that these kids have a lot of things stacked against them.
As far as your friendship with the “breeder” goes, I think if he always goes out of his way for you and is someone you can count on to be there in your time of need you should hang on to him. Not too many people are that good of a friend. Think of him in that light and don’t think about his poor kids. In the long run it is HIS choice and you can do nothing about it. Focus on YOUR relationship with him and not on all the other aspects of his life. In my life I have very few people I can really count on so I think you should feel lucky to have him.
P.S. - I was once on food stamps and we did eat better than ever!