Wanna Run Away

I don't know why this always happens. I get incredibly depressed about my job, I start looking for a new one, and they always end up being far, far out of town.

Just about the time I find a relationship I feel is worth pursuing. And now I totally don't want to move out of town, even if I found a good job. Because I love Troy very much.

And, I told him so. He thanked me. I already knew he wasn't going to say it back, so it's not that big of a problem. It would have been a nice surprise to hear it, but, whatever.

My code enforcement officer (we don't have an HOA) left two warning notices on my door yesterday. First off, I'm annoyed that my father didn't take them off when he came last night to let out the dogs. Secondly, they were for high grass and "junk or abandoned" vehicle. Well, the Z does indeed run and drive, and fuck her for citing me. I'm not paying a fucking thing on that one if they decide to ticket me for it. The high grass thing...well, it's been raining nonstop and I'm not fucking up my lawnmower and my lawn by mowing soaking wet grass.

I've been gone for over a week, stopping by only long enough on a few days to let out the dogs and pick up my mail. I've been at Troy's for days, working on the camper I got a couple of months ago. Don't even get me started on that one...

My biggest problem with all of this is that I can't find another job. I hate the idea of going back to work in 2 weeks. The thought of having to face all those people; the kids I hate, the administrators I wish would die in a fiery blast, just knowing what I'm going to have to deal with when I return...I can't do it. I'm going to have a fucking mental breakdown.

I quit seeing my psychiatrist over an office error that they refuse to fix. I'm so tired of unprofessional people. First, they never answer the phone. By policy, every caller must leave a message in the appropriate mailbox and then the call is theoretically returned. It started with none of my calls being returned. Next, I needed a prescription refill and they dropped the ball on that bullshit 3 times. Next, I needed to cancel an appointment and their phones were out for some reason and they had an answering service take a message which was, surprise, never returned. I specifically said I needed to cancel the appointment for the following day but wanted a return call to schedule a new appointment. Nobody called me back. Then they tried to charge me a "time charge" for the appointment I had scheduled but supposedly never canceled. I received 2 bills at my house and I tried calling about them, but nobody ever called back on that, either. I finally called and left a message saying they would never get paid if I didn't get a return call with explanation and left my cell number because I wasn't going to be home. Guess where they called. Twice. Within 30 minutes of each other.

Oh well. I really do need to be seeing someone - a therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist or something, but I just can't do it right now. I got paid 4 days ago and now have $20 to last me until the 15th. Needless to say, mental health care is always going to take a backseat to having utilities and food. It hasn't always been that way, but bad shit happens if you don't eat, so I had to change my priorities.

I'm glad to be back home with the dogs because I know they need me. Honestly, though, it was nice to be gone and have no responsibilities. It was a dick move to pass it off onto my father, but I'm just so stressed out and teetering on the edge that I just couldn't handle much right then. And I still can't, but I don't have a choice. They're acting out due to my absenteeism and they deserve better than they've gotten over the last couple of weeks.

The camper project is a mess. It was going so well, and it was looking like it would be ready ahead of schedule, until Troy ripped into the siding to replace a rotted piece of plywood. And then we figured out that the bathroom essentially had no floor under a dummy sheet of plywood. Like, if I had jumped on that plywood, I would have gone through the floor all the way to the ground.

The air conditioner was fixed with a relatively easy bearing switch-out, only to fail somewhere else. Troy thought it was the capacitor (wtf?!), his electrician neighbor thought it was the capacitor, but the guy at the electronics specialty warehouse tested them and said they were good, so it must be something else. It's like a different language to me anyway, so I don't fucking know. All I know is that the A/C was working, and now it's not, and nobody can figure out why.

I climbed up on the bunk part to paint the wall and ceiling. The whole thing collapsed. The frame apparently flexed because the wooden structure of the camper itself is rotted. The bunk support was a) coming out of the rotted wall paneling and studs and, b) wasn't even touching the fold-out bunk at this point because the metal frame on bottom of the camper had flexed and the wall was essentially in a whole different place - like, 2 inches further out than it was before.

The rats had chewed through every fucking wire in the camper (which isn't much. the wiring system consists of, literally, like maybe 8 wires throughout?), and I think that may be contributing to the non-working refrigerator, the tripping breakers, the A/C's unreliability...and if Troy can't rerun wire, how are we going to be able to accurately assess the appliances? I know he wanted the A/C to run first so I could work in chillin' comfort, but if it's not getting reliable power, then how will it run? But he gets in a mode when he's working and doesn't really listen to me.

So, my little $250 camper project has already surpassed the $1000 mark and is quickly approaching the "Holy Fuck What the Hell Did I Get Myself Into and How the Hell Do I Get Out of It" mark. Troy feels responsible for it since he bought it while I was out of town. I told him, "I trust your judgment. Buy it if you think it's worth it and I'll pay you when I get back." So he's upset because he feels like he made the decision to financially break me with this project and I keep telling him it's not his fault. He has paid for a lot of the repairs and materials we've used so far. He uses his truck to tow the damned thing around. It's his driveway, tools, air compressor, and time we're using up to work on this thing. There's no way I could have gotten even half this far without his help, so I don't know. I just appreciate him so much and am so grateful for his generosity and kindness...he doesn't get it.

In the meantime, everything else is sucking. I keep hoping I'll hear back from someone about any of the 15 or so jobs I've applied for. So far, I've gotten only one rejection form letter - from BP! And nothing else.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Things are pretty boring around here except for the domestic bullshit and camper catastrophe. Hope all's well with y'all...
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