Going Public

I've been thinking for awhile about going public. Like, taking this blog public to people I actually know. I know that means nothing to y'all, but I feel like I need the support sometimes. I will fully admit to needing validation. I have virtually no followers or new traffic. I'm not into ads and shameless self-promotion, so that's out. I have had three blogs in the past and, surprisingly, they were quite popular. Then there was this whole outbreak of MommyBlogging and since there is such a huge legion of mommies out there, crazy single gal blogs seem to have fallen by the wayside. Plus, there's this whole issue of time. I figured that my blog would be easier to keep up with because I don't blog daily. I guess I've taken the wrong approach. At the same time, I just don't have time. Sometimes there are days I don't even get on the computer, not even to check my mail.

It's damned-near impossible to use Blogger on my phone, or I'd be doing that during every downtime moment. Meh.

Anyway, the point wasn't for pity or praise (you have to have readers to get that), but yes, I like people to like my writing. Maybe my writing sucks ass now. I'm not sure. Maybe I have nothing important to say anymore. Maybe I just have nothing interesting to say.

I don't know. It was sort of a fleeting idea to even blog about it, I guess. I just figure that I do still have a blog that's 100% anonymous, so why should I have to have this one where no one knows me? All that means is that I'm going to have to go back and HEAVILY edit what I've written. Oh well.

Nope. I'm Still Here.

Yeah, you can't get rid of me that easily. Sadly, this is the longest hiatus I've ever taken from blogging and it hasn't made me feel very good. The big issue was one of mental exhaustion. It's no surprise I hate my job and, when things started getting hairy at work, I sort of shut down. I literally had no energy to emote.

Then, of course, there's the fact that I am still dating RacerBoy (known as Troy in real life), and things are going well. There were a few complications left over from our previous lives, but we've ironed it all out and going strong. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man, although I could stand a little bit more affection, I guess. He does have a tendency to get stuck talking about racing and nothing else, but I can bring him back from it.

He's hyper which, to me, is funny because I typically am as well. But his level of energy calms me down a little bit, and we help balance each other out. It's hard to explain. Or, maybe it's not. *shrugs*

This guy's got me cooking. As in, IN THE KITCHEN. Not because he wants me to, either. He cooks for me all the time. The thing is, he works his ass off. I'm in SE Texas, and it's summer, and he's outside all day long because of his landscape business. Half the time, he's fired all his employees (read: illegal aliens) because they don't work or show up late or show up drunk, so he's doing most or all of the work himself. I wanted to help him out too. I wanted to give to him the same treatment he gives me. He never asks for it, and that may be why I want to do it so much...because he's appreciative, he's grateful, and I love to see him happy.

Gah. What's happened to me?!

I have gotten rid of the attention of just about every other man, but there's one who is being incredibly persistent and annoying. I don't know if I've written about him before, but his name's Brad. I dated him right after I got divorced. My friend Gretch introduced us. Not long after we started dating, he took off to his hometown in Ohio for almost 2 months. He said he had to help out family and visit and stuff because he hadn't been there in years. We talked for hours each night and I was really getting into him. But when he returned, he didn't call me to pick him up, as had been arranged. He didn't even call me until the next day.

I eventually figured out that he'd gone up to Ohio to sober up and detox. Unfortunately, he got right back on blow the very night he returned. And, as far as I can see, that never changed. I broke up with him a week or so after his return. And he's been a thorn in my side ever since.

Anyway, I've told him numerous times to leave me alone. He only calls or texts late at night (think 2:15-ish) regardless of the fact that I've asked over and over for him to never call after 10:30 because I have a real job that requires me to be there early. He consistently disrespects that and doesn't even have anything to say when I called him on it. Lately, I've just been telling him to leave me alone and nothing more. However, I'm going to share the series of texts from last night, because this is FAIL-worthy:

Brad: ****** outdoor theatre spend time with me
Stillie: I asked you to leave me alone.
B: Why Think of u as a friend and possible mentor
S: No. I'm seeing someone I really care about and don't need you around.
B: No problemo but allow me 2 say this can u intellectually spend a lifetime with anyone but me
S: Yes, and this guy is probably it. And he respects me, which you totally don't. Leave me alone. Please.
B: I have the upmost respect 4 u but no one has the physical cognative and emotional abilities than i
S: That was the dumbest text I've ever read. I'm sure you'll meet a woman worthy of all of that, who will appreciate what you have to offer. No, you don't respect me, but that's irrelevant now. I'm not going to spend $3 a month to block you, so do the honorable thing and just go away.
B: That woman was is u if it doesnt work out consider what i have 2 offer

At that point, I just ignored it. It was 3:50 in the morning then, and I was angry. Angry, and laughing my ass off because of his "physical cognative and emotional" superiority to all others!

Gah. Anyway, I need to decide if I want to go to the grocery store now, or if I want to wait until the traffic is sure to get nuts! It's coming up on 1, so I should probably do that before too terribly long. I'm going to grill chicken for him sometime probably next week before I go out of town.

I'm doing my yearly youth volunteering deal starting June 25th. I'll be back July 2nd. I'm really excited, pretty pumped up, and although it's going to suck to be away from Troy and the dogs for that long, I look forward to this every year, so there's no real reason for me not to do it!

Hopefully I won't wait so long between posts anymore, now that school's out and the stress level is practically zilch.

Thanks for sticking around, if you did.

Absence Makes the Heart Heal

There have been a couple of things keeping me away.

Well, okay. Three.

1. Tom (previously known as The Boy) left me with quite a bit to clean up, figuratively and literally. He messed with my head by just ducking out with no warning, but he also left over half of his shit here. I'm trying to get it all cleaned up, but it's slow going. He made contact with me on Facebook, we exchanged a few messages, then he said he wanted to be my friend but unfriended me. Go figure. I really didn't want to be his friend, anyway. I'm still bitter.



2. My oldest and smallest dog, Sugar, a Toy Fox Terrier who was about 16, began declining. She's been fighting a battle with Canine Cognitive Dysfunction Syndrome and although she was on meds that were helping, it was like they just quit overnight and her health plummeted. She was in the later stages of renal failure as well, and her heart murmur had continued to worsen. I canceled some plans to go out of town and instead made an appointment with the vet. The day I'd picked to be "The Day," I came home from work and she was almost totally unresponsive. It had been 5 days since she'd eaten, she couldn't stand up, and she had no bowel control. I knew it was time, but it killed me. I sat outside with her in the sun for a couple of hours until RacerBoy (have i discussed him yet?) came over and drove us to the vet's office.
   
   
   
    Sugar Booger Wooger Bear, usually known as Boogs
   After her appointment and seemingly endless tears from me, he took me out for a mojito and dinner. And spent the night with me and comforted me and helped me through one of the most difficult days of my life. I have already gotten Sugar's ashes back and put them in a beautiful urn. I still cry. Sunday was really bad, for some reason. Anyway, it's hard trying to live my life without one of my children. She was put to sleep almost 10 years to the day that I adopted her. March 28, 2000 to March 25, 2010. I keep expecting to see her meet me at the door. When she doesn't, and I walk in my room, I still expect to see her curled up on the bed or doggie bed. *sighs* It's hard.



3. And, RacerBoy. I've known him a very long time, but have only seen him sporadically through the years. After one of our car club meetings, we started talking, and it just progressed from there. He kinda started it, because he told me how pretty I am. It just went on. We've been seeing each other for almost 2 months now, and I'm falling hard. He is SUCH a good guy. He does things for me all the time that he doesn't have to do, and he makes me want to do things for him as well. He appreciates it when I do, so it just encourages me even more. He's a great cook. He owns his own home and his own business. He has several cars that are all modified for horsepower and speed. He drives a race car (a Z), and we just have so much in common. We went racing this weekend and not only did I get to ride in his car, but he got the owner of the track to let me race his Audi A4 on the track!
   
   
   
   (That's not me up there - I was driving, not taking pics of myself - but that's the same car)
   
   He owns a landscape company, and he just showed up here unannounced for, like, the 4th time in several weeks to get his crew to mow my lawn. There is absolutely no reason in the world why I shouldn't fall for him. Except that I'm scared.

So, I guess that's the deal. I've been busier than ever. Now that Tom's gone, I find myself free to do whatever I want, rather than sit around with him or waiting for him because he never wanted to do anything. I have started drinking again and, besides a few nights I'd rather not recall and one I just can't, I've moderated myself pretty damned well. One or two beers a night and I call it good.

My doctor has put me on several different meds, all of which really do help. I have a hard time seeing sometimes exactly how much progress I really have made until I sit down and take stock of things. But I suppose, all in all, things are much, much better than they were a few weeks ago. You know?
.