Kids Make You Feel Old and Poor

I have no kids. Y'all know that. I don't have a single maternal bone in my body, nor do I want to get one. I'm happy being childless and lonely *sniffs*. Kidding. I choose this.

My best friend Marco, and I've talked about him before but who knows what is fake name was last time, has 7 children. Trying to name them all is like naming off the Seven Dwarves: you always miss one. And, like he has any right to be, he gets pissed about it! In addition, he gave them all a theme with the names. It was a trend he started with his first wife (mom to the 2 oldest), and somehow managed to steamroll his current wife (mom to the 5 others) into following along with. Obviously, all the names (and genders of children) in this blog have been changed to protect the innocent AND the guilty. Let's see if I can do this under pressure:

1. Ariel
2. Caleb
3. Bo
4. Harry
5. Connor
6. Ashley
7. Muriel

Holy crap. I did it. And, if I remember correctly, they're IN ORDER, TOO! Go me!

Of course, it's kind of cheating, because I was looking at family pictures on the mom's blog for half the morning. So, whatever. At least I didn't leave one out this time like I always do!

So, with 9 mouths to feed, income is a pretty big issue. Mom is a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, which is only logical in this situation. I shudder to think at childcare costs, even with several being school-aged. There have been times where their family has had to rely solely on their church to help them through rough patches. There have been many times where they've begged friends to give them items that they need to live. Many times, they have resorted to food stamps and, by his own confession, eaten better than they would have normally. And I also take issue with the fact that they're strapped for cash but he still smokes over a pack a day and goes out drinking about 2 nights a week.

I'm judgmental and not a big fan of people I like to call "breeders." Marco, he's a breeder. He's like Johnny Fucking Appleseed, spreading his seed to populate the earth. Please understand, Marco is now 38, and I've known him since he was 16. He was NOT like this back then, I assure you. But he's been a really good friend most times. After Kid #2 was born, he had a personal crisis, then I had one, and he abandoned me, more or less. We didn't speak for a few years - long enough for him to get married and shit out a couple more kids. But we made up. He knows me better than just about anyone else and will go out of his way to be there for me now. Any time. Ever.

When my friend announced a couple of months ago that Mickee was pregnant - again - I could have literally killed him. There was something wrong from the beginning, however, and the fetus was passed naturally in a delayed menstrual cycle. They were all broken up and really depressed and I was just like, "Really? Your kids look like little white trash hoodlums most times, and you're upset that you're one player short of having  your own personal soccer team? I know it sounds cruel, but I can't help it. At some point, common sense needs to override biology, love, or desire. It doesn't make you any less a hoarder, just because they're live people and not cats. Especially when you have a hard time providing for all of them, all the time.

But I digress. Slightly.

Being able to pay for the kids you insist on producing is but one problem, even for those with full-time jobs. Emotionally providing for them has got to be hard too, as there are only so many hours in a day, especially for my friend, who works out of the home. In addition, you can easily tell through the photographs they take that Mommy has her favorite. Which I guess is okay - it's impossible to have a litter of kids and not have a preference, right? (beats me)

Problem is, yesterday afternoon, my buddy was laid off. More than likely, though, fired. Texas being Texas, there's very little recourse any employee has against being fired, short of gross discrimination, and good luck proving that. Marco's good at his job and, at times, arrogant about it, and he rubs a lot of people the wrong way. His ability to get along with others may have a large contribution to his work-related issues. The guy's had more jobs than anyone I've ever met, and has been "laid off" or fired more times than anyone I've ever met.

With 9 mouths to feed.

So, I'm looking through Mickee's photography blog. Cute kids. Happy-looking kids. One of those kids has my heart in so many ways which, in itself, is a very long story to be told another time. They're well-disciplined, well-behaved, polite, and charming kids, if you ever see them in public or all together. They somehow manage to differentiate between play time and behaving time. Get 7 random kids together and see how often that shit happens! But I'm looking through these pictures, at these hopeful faces, and wondering to myself, "What kind of future do these kids really have?" I think about all the weird things they already have to fight against: submissive mom, subcultural alcoholic diabetic dad, so many siblings, times of extreme poverty, ridiculously Maury-esque extended family, homeschooling, hyper-Christian upbringing...

And then I wonder a few other things, like, what impact will that have on their assimilation into a normal society? What's going to happen when the oldest goes off to college (and i will kick her ass if she doesn't find a way to do that)? What's going to happen to the dream of college by the time the youngest one gets old enough to go? Neither parent has a college degree. Not that a college degree is the only way to go, but...I don't know. I just fear for these kids.

I'm disappointed in my friend for doing this. I'm disappointed in his wife for having such low self-esteem and all kinds of other managed-by-medication disorders that she let him do this to her. I try SO HARD to not think about the Andrea Yates case. I want to believe that everything is going to be fantastic and lovely and normal and amazing.

Maybe it's because I'm the product of a single-child family and I know how fucked up I am already, but this just seems wrong to do this to kids. I don't believe they'll have any concept of normalcy. What constitutes normal, anyway? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure none of those kids will experience anything even remotely close to it.

Most of all, I am mad at myself for having these negative, judgmental thoughts, instead of being supportive and happy and full of glee for my friends. I feel like a traitor; a backstabbing bitch. I love both Marco and Mickee. The children are great. I just...have these values and beliefs, and their family situation doesn't follow them. The next question is, should we stay friends? I mean, if you don't believe in the same morals and beliefs, why be friends, right? And do I even deserve to have someone like him as my friend when I am obviously so mean and spiteful in what I think? He would walk through fire for me and would never condemn me for being like him if the roles were reversed. I just don't know. I'm lower than dirt for thinking what I think, but yet I still think I'm right. How does that happen?

Going Public

I've been thinking for awhile about going public. Like, taking this blog public to people I actually know. I know that means nothing to y'all, but I feel like I need the support sometimes. I will fully admit to needing validation. I have virtually no followers or new traffic. I'm not into ads and shameless self-promotion, so that's out. I have had three blogs in the past and, surprisingly, they were quite popular. Then there was this whole outbreak of MommyBlogging and since there is such a huge legion of mommies out there, crazy single gal blogs seem to have fallen by the wayside. Plus, there's this whole issue of time. I figured that my blog would be easier to keep up with because I don't blog daily. I guess I've taken the wrong approach. At the same time, I just don't have time. Sometimes there are days I don't even get on the computer, not even to check my mail.

It's damned-near impossible to use Blogger on my phone, or I'd be doing that during every downtime moment. Meh.

Anyway, the point wasn't for pity or praise (you have to have readers to get that), but yes, I like people to like my writing. Maybe my writing sucks ass now. I'm not sure. Maybe I have nothing important to say anymore. Maybe I just have nothing interesting to say.

I don't know. It was sort of a fleeting idea to even blog about it, I guess. I just figure that I do still have a blog that's 100% anonymous, so why should I have to have this one where no one knows me? All that means is that I'm going to have to go back and HEAVILY edit what I've written. Oh well.

Nope. I'm Still Here.

Yeah, you can't get rid of me that easily. Sadly, this is the longest hiatus I've ever taken from blogging and it hasn't made me feel very good. The big issue was one of mental exhaustion. It's no surprise I hate my job and, when things started getting hairy at work, I sort of shut down. I literally had no energy to emote.

Then, of course, there's the fact that I am still dating RacerBoy (known as Troy in real life), and things are going well. There were a few complications left over from our previous lives, but we've ironed it all out and going strong. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man, although I could stand a little bit more affection, I guess. He does have a tendency to get stuck talking about racing and nothing else, but I can bring him back from it.

He's hyper which, to me, is funny because I typically am as well. But his level of energy calms me down a little bit, and we help balance each other out. It's hard to explain. Or, maybe it's not. *shrugs*

This guy's got me cooking. As in, IN THE KITCHEN. Not because he wants me to, either. He cooks for me all the time. The thing is, he works his ass off. I'm in SE Texas, and it's summer, and he's outside all day long because of his landscape business. Half the time, he's fired all his employees (read: illegal aliens) because they don't work or show up late or show up drunk, so he's doing most or all of the work himself. I wanted to help him out too. I wanted to give to him the same treatment he gives me. He never asks for it, and that may be why I want to do it so much...because he's appreciative, he's grateful, and I love to see him happy.

Gah. What's happened to me?!

I have gotten rid of the attention of just about every other man, but there's one who is being incredibly persistent and annoying. I don't know if I've written about him before, but his name's Brad. I dated him right after I got divorced. My friend Gretch introduced us. Not long after we started dating, he took off to his hometown in Ohio for almost 2 months. He said he had to help out family and visit and stuff because he hadn't been there in years. We talked for hours each night and I was really getting into him. But when he returned, he didn't call me to pick him up, as had been arranged. He didn't even call me until the next day.

I eventually figured out that he'd gone up to Ohio to sober up and detox. Unfortunately, he got right back on blow the very night he returned. And, as far as I can see, that never changed. I broke up with him a week or so after his return. And he's been a thorn in my side ever since.

Anyway, I've told him numerous times to leave me alone. He only calls or texts late at night (think 2:15-ish) regardless of the fact that I've asked over and over for him to never call after 10:30 because I have a real job that requires me to be there early. He consistently disrespects that and doesn't even have anything to say when I called him on it. Lately, I've just been telling him to leave me alone and nothing more. However, I'm going to share the series of texts from last night, because this is FAIL-worthy:

Brad: ****** outdoor theatre spend time with me
Stillie: I asked you to leave me alone.
B: Why Think of u as a friend and possible mentor
S: No. I'm seeing someone I really care about and don't need you around.
B: No problemo but allow me 2 say this can u intellectually spend a lifetime with anyone but me
S: Yes, and this guy is probably it. And he respects me, which you totally don't. Leave me alone. Please.
B: I have the upmost respect 4 u but no one has the physical cognative and emotional abilities than i
S: That was the dumbest text I've ever read. I'm sure you'll meet a woman worthy of all of that, who will appreciate what you have to offer. No, you don't respect me, but that's irrelevant now. I'm not going to spend $3 a month to block you, so do the honorable thing and just go away.
B: That woman was is u if it doesnt work out consider what i have 2 offer

At that point, I just ignored it. It was 3:50 in the morning then, and I was angry. Angry, and laughing my ass off because of his "physical cognative and emotional" superiority to all others!

Gah. Anyway, I need to decide if I want to go to the grocery store now, or if I want to wait until the traffic is sure to get nuts! It's coming up on 1, so I should probably do that before too terribly long. I'm going to grill chicken for him sometime probably next week before I go out of town.

I'm doing my yearly youth volunteering deal starting June 25th. I'll be back July 2nd. I'm really excited, pretty pumped up, and although it's going to suck to be away from Troy and the dogs for that long, I look forward to this every year, so there's no real reason for me not to do it!

Hopefully I won't wait so long between posts anymore, now that school's out and the stress level is practically zilch.

Thanks for sticking around, if you did.