Rats! I Can't Find Any Rats!

This is probably the most asinine post I've ever written, but I'm just so damned pissed off, I'm not sure what else to do.

Here's the conundrum:

I am going to a concert tomorrow night. It's a swing/rockabilly-ish kind of show. I want to do my hair in victory rolls. I used to do it all the time - you know, dress for the occasion sort of thing - but here's the rub: my ass, waist, and stomach have expanded beyond the limits of any of my old clothing (i've ballooned out to, like, a size 7 now) and my hair has gotten considerably longer than it was.

I don't actually believe that a size 7 makes me ranking among hippos, but it IS a problem when all of your clothes are in the size range from a 2 to 4. Hell, I still have a pair of jeans that are a 00. It's hard to believe I was ever able to fit in them. Stupid childbearing years of spreading hips! Grr!

So rather than just rolling my hair up the way I used to, by hand, now I actually need something to take up some extra space and for my hair to hold on to. The answer, of course, is to use a rat. The question, of course, would be 'What the hell did I do with all the rats I used to have?' Well, Lord only knows, because I managed to clean out my cache of 80's hair accessories probably, oh, 3 years ago when I moved the last time. And, of course, now I need them.

I live in a huge metropolitan city. There are no less than 15 beauty supply shops within a 5 or 6 mile radius of my home. So can anybody give me a reasonable reason for why I can't find any hair sponges??

Oh, let me qualify that: So can anybody give me a reasonable reason for why I can't find any LIGHT COLORED hair sponges? Oh, I find black ones all over the place. I'm really, truly, not trying to make this into a racial issue but, based on current supplies, it would seem to me that hair sponges (rats) have fallen out of favor with people who don't have black hair. And 99% of the ones I found are those ugly little donut shaped ones meant to make buns that look very much like arseholes.

What do you mean the 1940s are over?! I can't get rats anymore in person?!

You know what this means, right? I'm going to have to make my own. How? you may ask. It's quite simple. Well, it would be quite simple, if I hadn't just thrown out that big ball of hair I got when I cleaned out my brush two days ago. But, basically, I collect my own hair and shove it into a bit of pantyhose and sew it up. I have seen people use hair extensions or those fake ponytails and hairnets, but what fun is that? I mean, nothing says "give me fashion or give me death" like collecting molted hair, right?!

That does sound kind of disgusting. But, I wash my hair, so all the hair that gets collected in the brush is technically clean.

I'm not weird. Other people do this too. Look online, for Christ's sake.

So, tomorrow, while The Boy is off at work, I'm going to have to get help strapping myself into my longline bra and get my happy ass down to a couple of my favorite vintage stores to see if I can find a new dress to fit my fat ass. (heh. the first time i typed that, i typed 'fast' instead of 'fat.' either way, i guess, is accurate!) Good luck finding something big enough for my new body shape.

And then, I'm off to find the shoes! I hate to say it, but Jessica Simpson had her signature on some I saw at Macy's that are the quintessential pin-up shoes. That was quite some time ago, though. No time to order over the Internet, either (it's not like i didn't know about this show like, oh, over 2 months ago or anything), so I'm going to have to find them tomorrow. Drats.

But, oh! I just looked at Dillard's online and they have the *very* shoes I was coveting, and for cheaper than Zappos! Score! Now I just need to find a store that actually has them in my size.

And all of this, why? I haven't worn a dress - like, more than just in front of a mirror - since my best friend got married in July of 2006. I haven't worn heels for more than just a "welcome home fuck me" kinda thing since...well...it was July of 2006, too, because I was a bridesmaid, I had just sprained my ankle right before the wedding and was afraid I was going to become Wedding Aisle Roadkill. But it all turned out okay.

Point being that I haven't actually dressed like that in a few weeks short of 3 years, but I'm going to attempt to do it now for about a 3 hour stretch. Not the smartest move Stillie's ever made, but we'll see how it pans out, shall we?

Wish me luck making a smooth transition into the pin-up world...