Wanna Run Away

I don't know why this always happens. I get incredibly depressed about my job, I start looking for a new one, and they always end up being far, far out of town.

Just about the time I find a relationship I feel is worth pursuing. And now I totally don't want to move out of town, even if I found a good job. Because I love Troy very much.

And, I told him so. He thanked me. I already knew he wasn't going to say it back, so it's not that big of a problem. It would have been a nice surprise to hear it, but, whatever.

My code enforcement officer (we don't have an HOA) left two warning notices on my door yesterday. First off, I'm annoyed that my father didn't take them off when he came last night to let out the dogs. Secondly, they were for high grass and "junk or abandoned" vehicle. Well, the Z does indeed run and drive, and fuck her for citing me. I'm not paying a fucking thing on that one if they decide to ticket me for it. The high grass thing...well, it's been raining nonstop and I'm not fucking up my lawnmower and my lawn by mowing soaking wet grass.

I've been gone for over a week, stopping by only long enough on a few days to let out the dogs and pick up my mail. I've been at Troy's for days, working on the camper I got a couple of months ago. Don't even get me started on that one...

My biggest problem with all of this is that I can't find another job. I hate the idea of going back to work in 2 weeks. The thought of having to face all those people; the kids I hate, the administrators I wish would die in a fiery blast, just knowing what I'm going to have to deal with when I return...I can't do it. I'm going to have a fucking mental breakdown.

I quit seeing my psychiatrist over an office error that they refuse to fix. I'm so tired of unprofessional people. First, they never answer the phone. By policy, every caller must leave a message in the appropriate mailbox and then the call is theoretically returned. It started with none of my calls being returned. Next, I needed a prescription refill and they dropped the ball on that bullshit 3 times. Next, I needed to cancel an appointment and their phones were out for some reason and they had an answering service take a message which was, surprise, never returned. I specifically said I needed to cancel the appointment for the following day but wanted a return call to schedule a new appointment. Nobody called me back. Then they tried to charge me a "time charge" for the appointment I had scheduled but supposedly never canceled. I received 2 bills at my house and I tried calling about them, but nobody ever called back on that, either. I finally called and left a message saying they would never get paid if I didn't get a return call with explanation and left my cell number because I wasn't going to be home. Guess where they called. Twice. Within 30 minutes of each other.

Oh well. I really do need to be seeing someone - a therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist or something, but I just can't do it right now. I got paid 4 days ago and now have $20 to last me until the 15th. Needless to say, mental health care is always going to take a backseat to having utilities and food. It hasn't always been that way, but bad shit happens if you don't eat, so I had to change my priorities.

I'm glad to be back home with the dogs because I know they need me. Honestly, though, it was nice to be gone and have no responsibilities. It was a dick move to pass it off onto my father, but I'm just so stressed out and teetering on the edge that I just couldn't handle much right then. And I still can't, but I don't have a choice. They're acting out due to my absenteeism and they deserve better than they've gotten over the last couple of weeks.

The camper project is a mess. It was going so well, and it was looking like it would be ready ahead of schedule, until Troy ripped into the siding to replace a rotted piece of plywood. And then we figured out that the bathroom essentially had no floor under a dummy sheet of plywood. Like, if I had jumped on that plywood, I would have gone through the floor all the way to the ground.

The air conditioner was fixed with a relatively easy bearing switch-out, only to fail somewhere else. Troy thought it was the capacitor (wtf?!), his electrician neighbor thought it was the capacitor, but the guy at the electronics specialty warehouse tested them and said they were good, so it must be something else. It's like a different language to me anyway, so I don't fucking know. All I know is that the A/C was working, and now it's not, and nobody can figure out why.

I climbed up on the bunk part to paint the wall and ceiling. The whole thing collapsed. The frame apparently flexed because the wooden structure of the camper itself is rotted. The bunk support was a) coming out of the rotted wall paneling and studs and, b) wasn't even touching the fold-out bunk at this point because the metal frame on bottom of the camper had flexed and the wall was essentially in a whole different place - like, 2 inches further out than it was before.

The rats had chewed through every fucking wire in the camper (which isn't much. the wiring system consists of, literally, like maybe 8 wires throughout?), and I think that may be contributing to the non-working refrigerator, the tripping breakers, the A/C's unreliability...and if Troy can't rerun wire, how are we going to be able to accurately assess the appliances? I know he wanted the A/C to run first so I could work in chillin' comfort, but if it's not getting reliable power, then how will it run? But he gets in a mode when he's working and doesn't really listen to me.

So, my little $250 camper project has already surpassed the $1000 mark and is quickly approaching the "Holy Fuck What the Hell Did I Get Myself Into and How the Hell Do I Get Out of It" mark. Troy feels responsible for it since he bought it while I was out of town. I told him, "I trust your judgment. Buy it if you think it's worth it and I'll pay you when I get back." So he's upset because he feels like he made the decision to financially break me with this project and I keep telling him it's not his fault. He has paid for a lot of the repairs and materials we've used so far. He uses his truck to tow the damned thing around. It's his driveway, tools, air compressor, and time we're using up to work on this thing. There's no way I could have gotten even half this far without his help, so I don't know. I just appreciate him so much and am so grateful for his generosity and kindness...he doesn't get it.

In the meantime, everything else is sucking. I keep hoping I'll hear back from someone about any of the 15 or so jobs I've applied for. So far, I've gotten only one rejection form letter - from BP! And nothing else.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Things are pretty boring around here except for the domestic bullshit and camper catastrophe. Hope all's well with y'all...
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Kids Make You Feel Old and Poor

I have no kids. Y'all know that. I don't have a single maternal bone in my body, nor do I want to get one. I'm happy being childless and lonely *sniffs*. Kidding. I choose this.

My best friend Marco, and I've talked about him before but who knows what is fake name was last time, has 7 children. Trying to name them all is like naming off the Seven Dwarves: you always miss one. And, like he has any right to be, he gets pissed about it! In addition, he gave them all a theme with the names. It was a trend he started with his first wife (mom to the 2 oldest), and somehow managed to steamroll his current wife (mom to the 5 others) into following along with. Obviously, all the names (and genders of children) in this blog have been changed to protect the innocent AND the guilty. Let's see if I can do this under pressure:

1. Ariel
2. Caleb
3. Bo
4. Harry
5. Connor
6. Ashley
7. Muriel

Holy crap. I did it. And, if I remember correctly, they're IN ORDER, TOO! Go me!

Of course, it's kind of cheating, because I was looking at family pictures on the mom's blog for half the morning. So, whatever. At least I didn't leave one out this time like I always do!

So, with 9 mouths to feed, income is a pretty big issue. Mom is a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom, which is only logical in this situation. I shudder to think at childcare costs, even with several being school-aged. There have been times where their family has had to rely solely on their church to help them through rough patches. There have been many times where they've begged friends to give them items that they need to live. Many times, they have resorted to food stamps and, by his own confession, eaten better than they would have normally. And I also take issue with the fact that they're strapped for cash but he still smokes over a pack a day and goes out drinking about 2 nights a week.

I'm judgmental and not a big fan of people I like to call "breeders." Marco, he's a breeder. He's like Johnny Fucking Appleseed, spreading his seed to populate the earth. Please understand, Marco is now 38, and I've known him since he was 16. He was NOT like this back then, I assure you. But he's been a really good friend most times. After Kid #2 was born, he had a personal crisis, then I had one, and he abandoned me, more or less. We didn't speak for a few years - long enough for him to get married and shit out a couple more kids. But we made up. He knows me better than just about anyone else and will go out of his way to be there for me now. Any time. Ever.

When my friend announced a couple of months ago that Mickee was pregnant - again - I could have literally killed him. There was something wrong from the beginning, however, and the fetus was passed naturally in a delayed menstrual cycle. They were all broken up and really depressed and I was just like, "Really? Your kids look like little white trash hoodlums most times, and you're upset that you're one player short of having  your own personal soccer team? I know it sounds cruel, but I can't help it. At some point, common sense needs to override biology, love, or desire. It doesn't make you any less a hoarder, just because they're live people and not cats. Especially when you have a hard time providing for all of them, all the time.

But I digress. Slightly.

Being able to pay for the kids you insist on producing is but one problem, even for those with full-time jobs. Emotionally providing for them has got to be hard too, as there are only so many hours in a day, especially for my friend, who works out of the home. In addition, you can easily tell through the photographs they take that Mommy has her favorite. Which I guess is okay - it's impossible to have a litter of kids and not have a preference, right? (beats me)

Problem is, yesterday afternoon, my buddy was laid off. More than likely, though, fired. Texas being Texas, there's very little recourse any employee has against being fired, short of gross discrimination, and good luck proving that. Marco's good at his job and, at times, arrogant about it, and he rubs a lot of people the wrong way. His ability to get along with others may have a large contribution to his work-related issues. The guy's had more jobs than anyone I've ever met, and has been "laid off" or fired more times than anyone I've ever met.

With 9 mouths to feed.

So, I'm looking through Mickee's photography blog. Cute kids. Happy-looking kids. One of those kids has my heart in so many ways which, in itself, is a very long story to be told another time. They're well-disciplined, well-behaved, polite, and charming kids, if you ever see them in public or all together. They somehow manage to differentiate between play time and behaving time. Get 7 random kids together and see how often that shit happens! But I'm looking through these pictures, at these hopeful faces, and wondering to myself, "What kind of future do these kids really have?" I think about all the weird things they already have to fight against: submissive mom, subcultural alcoholic diabetic dad, so many siblings, times of extreme poverty, ridiculously Maury-esque extended family, homeschooling, hyper-Christian upbringing...

And then I wonder a few other things, like, what impact will that have on their assimilation into a normal society? What's going to happen when the oldest goes off to college (and i will kick her ass if she doesn't find a way to do that)? What's going to happen to the dream of college by the time the youngest one gets old enough to go? Neither parent has a college degree. Not that a college degree is the only way to go, but...I don't know. I just fear for these kids.

I'm disappointed in my friend for doing this. I'm disappointed in his wife for having such low self-esteem and all kinds of other managed-by-medication disorders that she let him do this to her. I try SO HARD to not think about the Andrea Yates case. I want to believe that everything is going to be fantastic and lovely and normal and amazing.

Maybe it's because I'm the product of a single-child family and I know how fucked up I am already, but this just seems wrong to do this to kids. I don't believe they'll have any concept of normalcy. What constitutes normal, anyway? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure none of those kids will experience anything even remotely close to it.

Most of all, I am mad at myself for having these negative, judgmental thoughts, instead of being supportive and happy and full of glee for my friends. I feel like a traitor; a backstabbing bitch. I love both Marco and Mickee. The children are great. I just...have these values and beliefs, and their family situation doesn't follow them. The next question is, should we stay friends? I mean, if you don't believe in the same morals and beliefs, why be friends, right? And do I even deserve to have someone like him as my friend when I am obviously so mean and spiteful in what I think? He would walk through fire for me and would never condemn me for being like him if the roles were reversed. I just don't know. I'm lower than dirt for thinking what I think, but yet I still think I'm right. How does that happen?

Going Public

I've been thinking for awhile about going public. Like, taking this blog public to people I actually know. I know that means nothing to y'all, but I feel like I need the support sometimes. I will fully admit to needing validation. I have virtually no followers or new traffic. I'm not into ads and shameless self-promotion, so that's out. I have had three blogs in the past and, surprisingly, they were quite popular. Then there was this whole outbreak of MommyBlogging and since there is such a huge legion of mommies out there, crazy single gal blogs seem to have fallen by the wayside. Plus, there's this whole issue of time. I figured that my blog would be easier to keep up with because I don't blog daily. I guess I've taken the wrong approach. At the same time, I just don't have time. Sometimes there are days I don't even get on the computer, not even to check my mail.

It's damned-near impossible to use Blogger on my phone, or I'd be doing that during every downtime moment. Meh.

Anyway, the point wasn't for pity or praise (you have to have readers to get that), but yes, I like people to like my writing. Maybe my writing sucks ass now. I'm not sure. Maybe I have nothing important to say anymore. Maybe I just have nothing interesting to say.

I don't know. It was sort of a fleeting idea to even blog about it, I guess. I just figure that I do still have a blog that's 100% anonymous, so why should I have to have this one where no one knows me? All that means is that I'm going to have to go back and HEAVILY edit what I've written. Oh well.