Warm Fuzzies

These days are quickly coming to an end.

Mornings where I'm gently prodded awake by kisses and whispers promising fresh coffee is about to be brewed. I roll over and look at him and the contrast of his tanned skin against his ice-blue bedding makes me want to hold him forever.

Mornings where I writhe around in the cloud-soft sheets as he playfully pokes me in the sides, but tells me I can sleep as late as I want at the same time. Where he collapses beside me, wraps his arms around me, and I breathe in the scent of his hair and wish the moment would never end.

Mornings where I can prop my head up while lying on my side, and observe his beautiful nakedness as he gets dressed in the early sunlight.

Mornings where I walk into his bathroom and gaze at myself in the vanity mirror, backlit by the gigantic window above the garden tub that is glowing with 9am rays. I still have on yesterday's eyeliner and mascara, and the waterproofing has kept it from being raccoon-y, but rather smokey-glamorous. I smile, knowing that the frosted window is making me look much prettier in that mirror than I will be when I walk outside, but he'll still tell me I look good.

Mornings where he carefully picks out a coffee mug for me. He first adds a little sugar, then the coffee, and, last - tops it off with ReddiWip and stirs it in as creamer. He lets mine cool a little before handing it to me.

Mornings where he checks his email, reads posts on forums, sometimes works on billing or work-related stuff, but always works on racing stuff, while I surf the Internet, check my email, fill out job application after application after application, and edit photos, side-by-side in his office.

Mornings that turn into mid-days, where we run errands together and run to my house to take care of dogs and fish, and eat lunch somewhere and just enjoy each others' company. If I'm lucky, he'll let me drive the Maxima.

Mornings that turn into mid-days, where he may go off to work at the crack of lunchtime, and we part ways in his driveway to take care of our respective business.

Soon, I will have to go back to work. In the building by 7am without fail. While this begins, his work load will slowly decrease; less of a demand for landscaping as the weather turns colder and everything dies. There probably won't be a lot of nights spent here, since there's no reason for him to wake up at 5:30, which is time for me to get ready, get to my house, and then get to work.

I hate to quote songs, especially because of the artist on this one, but she has it right: "I get so high when you're with me but crash and crave you when you leave..."

Luckily, he also recognizes that this will not be able to continue as often once I go back to work, and he's incredibly accommodating about my staying with him as often as possible right now.

I've also realized that I prefer staying at his house, despite the deepest love for my dogs, simply because it's like I'm not living my real life - the one with the house I can't pay for, the crap job, the loneliness - and it's like I'm living the life I want to have. I need to up my meds and find a way to get this to all be okay, because I AM going to have to live at my house again, despite the fact that I've already had visions of moving in together at his house.

I'm so far gone; I'm a lost cause. I am in love and it's the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. It actually seems to be built on mutual respect, caring, selflessness, and a desire to want the other to be happy. I've never lived this or felt this way before.

I would marry this man tomorrow if he asked. I cannot imagine ever living my life without him. Sometimes, when he's working on something or deeply engaged in some task, I look at him and wonder how in the holy hell I got lucky enough to have him. How in the world could there actually be someone out there that gives me what I need and is everything I want? How could there be someone so right for me that even their "flaws" aren't really flaws, but more like character traits that make them unique?

When he gets excited about something and he's in his 'zone,' or I see him get fired up over something, it energizes me. He's so full of life and thoughts and opinions and passion - I love it about him. I love watching him interact with his fellow racers and I love watching him do the things he loves to do. I love watching him do things he's good at.

I've said it a million times, but this isn't me. Going out of my way to make someone else happy, to learn to cook for them because they do it for me with such enthusiasm, doing little things I can to help make their life easier because they enrich mine so fully.

And I like it this way.